Retrospection

Remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.
Epicuris

While this has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of this post... I have to mention that my little bug turned one yesterday! One!

It seems impossible: impossible that he has been on the planet for an entire year and just as impossible that he has only been here for a single year. He has been both a holy terror and the greatest joy and he has taught me oh, so very much.

He is currently sitting next to me in his high chair having a very deep and meaningful conversation with his Cheerios. He picks each up one at a time, inspects them thoroughly, and gives them an individual pep talk that is something along the lines of, "AH! Daaaaaaaaaa! Bo-bo. Ba. Da. Ah. Ba. Ohhhhhs!" before consuming them with gusto. Every time I look at him (which is just about every three seconds because he is so dang cute) he gives me his adorable cheeky grin and giggles. He is pretty much pure trouble and I am completely convinced he is an evil genius who is harboring horrible plans for world domination in that chubby little head and is busy turning us all into his minions.... but I will gladly be his minion if he keeps smiling at me like that and giving me cuddles. (Though he is more than welcome to stop scaring the crap out of me by learning things like HOW TO CRAWL UP THE STAIRS!)

Like I said, that is not at all what this post is about....but it must be mentioned: Happy Birthday, my little man!

Moving On. [This is long- but it is more for me than you.. so get over it. ;)]

I think I may have mentioned once or twice that this pregnancy was unplanned. I mean completely... and totally... %100 unplanned. In fact, I think the term "unplanned" is not actually very accurate because we were planning.... on not having kids for a good two or three years. And we thought that we were doing the things people do when they are planning on not having kids.

Ryan and I were married in January of this year- yeah, this one... right here. 2009. He proposed in June (in the most wonderful way that you will just have to ask me about sometime because I love to tell that story) and we had a pretty short engagement due to circumstances beyond our control. We weren't even living in the same state and we were both leading crazy lives: I was working 40 hours a week and going to school full-time in Georgia and he was working two jobs in Tennessee. We saw each on weekends.. if we were lucky. Our wedding was mostly planned by my mother and I learned a good lesson in just letting things go. While it was basically the opposite of anything I would ever plan for myself, it turned out nicely and I believe people had a good time. That was all Ryan and I really wanted: a big party with all of our friends to celebrate this great thing.

Most people probably don't start their baby story with their wedding story but considering Liam was conceived less than three months after our wedding day- it seemed appropriate.

After being on birth control for about six months, (three before we were married and three after) I just could not do it anymore. Ryan and I decided we would go with something that did not screw with my hormones quite so much. So after I finished my last pack, I did not get the prescription refilled.

And here is where it gets fun, folks: [Ahem] I took my last birth control pill on April 1st and Liam was conceived on April 4th.
Yeah. Really. Of course, we did not know that.

[Now the next bit of this post may be a bit TMI but you have that fool-proof little X in the upper right hand corner of your screen... so use liberally if you are uncomfortable.]

For the month of April our preferred method of birth control was condoms. On April 17th, I got my period and all was well (or so we thought). However, in addition to having sensitive hormones, I am also blessed with a sensitive vagina- it not only disapproved of latex condoms but also of any alternatives (we are now the proud owners of an entire drawer of completely useless contraceptive of various brands). So in May I asked Ryan if he would be comfortable with charting instead. He agreed with only mild hesitation. We figured that, coupled with pulling out, it probably was not that risky.

In early June I began to become increasingly aware of pregnant women and babies- they were EVERYWHERE. They were stalking me. Facebook was sending me ads asking me if I was pregnant. Wal-mart wanted to know if I needed coupons on diapers. I was having dreams about babies and it was all very weird.

One weekend morning, Ryan and I went to brunch. I waited 20 minutes for them to bring out a fresh pot of my favorite Hazelnut coffee. I glanced at the coffee bar every three minutes, knees shaking in anticipation. When it came...I got my cup, fixed it up, smiled contentedly, took one sip... and my stomach turned. There was nothing wrong with the coffee. I just could not stomach it. I poured the rest out sadly and Ryan joked, "You need to take a pregnancy test." I happened to have one at home so, when we got there, I laughed about feeling like the world was impregnating me and went to pee on the stick just to settle my mind.

You know how it says to wait three minutes to read your results on those things? Yeah. Try three seconds! It immediately turned positive and I screamed at the top of my lungs for Ryan. He choked out a response... knowing I would not be yelling for him under normal circumstances. I walked to the top of the steps. We stared at each other: I was as white as death and he was as red as a tomato. I laughed. Then I swallowed. Then I stumbled down the stairs. Then I stared. Then I started sobbing. I showed Ryan the test. He hugged me. I snotted all over his shirt. He smiled. I kept apologizing for ruining our lives. He kept telling me I had nothing to apologize for. This cycle repeated itself for a good two hours.

When I finally calmed down I realized... there was NO WAY this test was correct. I needed to take at least two more before I freaked out. Over the course of a week, I ended up taking six: every single one was positive. Positive. Positive. Positive. Yet, because I had no symptoms- beyond that one little, tiny coffee incident- I somehow convinced myself that there was something else going on. I thought maybe I had been pregnant but miscarried very early and the hormones were still working their way out of my system... or maybe the bladder infection I was also suffering from somehow screwed with the results of the test. ANYTHING besides an actual human being growing inside of me. So I went to AAA Women's Services- their medical level pregnancy test.... was positive. The nurse on staff laughed at my denial and made me promise to go to the doctor. So, we made the appointment.

I will spare you the details of that first office visit- what with the paperwork and the "when was the date of your last menstrual cycle?" (to which I answered April 17th with a fair amount of confidence) and the peeing in the cup and whatnot. But it ended with a wand shoved up my vagina and a picture on the screen that looked like this:

Except.. you know.. moving and alive... and MOST DEFINITELY A BABY!

And the doctor says, "Well, you are a little bit farther along than you think you are." Because that period I had in April was apparently no such thing.. so we somehow got pregnant while using condoms and all the anxiety over whether or not we were charting right was for nothing. And the first thing I think is, "Oh, shit." Which is not a really pretty thing to think when you are looking at your very first child for the very first time.. but I thought it anyway because Ryan and I went to Atlanta for a weekend once and I drank... and finals were in May and I lived in coffee shops and sometimes had upwards of 5 cups of coffee a day and I freaking LOVED the heck out of some sushi! And all these things are running through my head at high speed until the doctor says, "And everything looks great!"

Then I could breathe.. but only for a second and then it hit me: THAT IS AN ACTUAL BABY!

And Ryan had to lead me out of the doctor's office because I was pretty much a zombie... except when I would catch Ryan's eye and we would giggle... or i would look down at the picture in my hand and giggle.. or just giggle into space for no apparent reason. We kept the news to ourselves for almost a month and that was a very interesting and special time. We knew that once the news was out it would not be our secret any longer so we just enjoyed it.

Since then, I think we have gone back and forth about how we actually feel. There are days when it feels totally okay and days of hyperventilation. Sometimes fear just grips my heart because I know that I am not at all ready to be responsible for another human being and I know that if anything happens to him ever I will never be the same again and how can I handle that right now? Or ever, for that matter?!

However, I know that not only is this baby going to add something to our lives that we did not even know was missing.. but he is really going to make it better in so many ways. There have been numerous occasions when we realized that if we were not going to be having Liam Eliot right now, we would be missing out on something pretty amazing. Not just Liam himself... but other things in our lives that have been a direct result of his existence.

It is definitely going to be hard. And we are definitely still having our OH MY GOD! ARE YOU F*CKING SERIOUS?! moments. And I don't know that we will ever not have those moments. Even when Liam is 38 years old.

We were not even remotely prepared... but, you know, Ryan and I tend to need gentle nudging (or forceful shoving) to get us moving in any one direction most of the time. Just because it was not our timing.. doesn't mean it was not the right timing. And maybe there is never a right time- maybe this is just how life goes. You get thrown into the middle of something and it's sink or swim.

Better start paddling!