How Michelle Got Her Groove Back

>> 11.11.2009

Habit is a beneficent harness of routine which enables silly men to live respectfully and unhappy men to live calmly.
George Eliot

I am finding it rather difficult to get myself back into my daily groove. Or any groove, for that matter. Obviously.. my life has just come to a screeching halt on many levels: I am not going to school anymore (although we talked to my professors and they both seem willing to help me finish from home so *fingers crossed* I may still be able to graduate in December!), I am not working anymore, (boo! I miss my kids SO much) and I am under pretty strict orders to take it easy. So, getting back into what my life used to be is pretty much out of the question. It is just about the strangest thing ever to go from as busy as I was to... this. However, there are still things I could be doing.. and I think about doing them... and I think about doing them some more... and then... I don't... and then I watch 12 episodes of House online.

10 Things I could be doing:
1. Laundry- loads and loads and loads of laundry. We have lots of laundry and I could do it.
2. Putting the new handles on the cabinets.
3. Straightening up the house... which just seems to be getting filthier and filthier. Le sigh.
4. Whip out my sewing machine and learn to use the dang thing.
5. Finally teach myself to knit which I have been wanting to do For. Ev. Er.
6. Start sorting through the disaster area that will need to become Liam's nursery.
7. Start writing my senior seminar paper.
8. My wedding scrapbook!
9. Continue in my decorating endeavors.
10. I don't know... actually make it out of bed before 1 o'clock in the afternoon?!

Well, okay.. today, I will be making it out of bed before 1 p.m. because today I have a doctor's appointment at 1:15 p.m.- lucky me. I will then be driving myself over to the hospital for the very first time to see my baby. As of last night, he was much more stable since being put back on the ventilator. I did not go in to see him because I had a bit of a tickle in my throat. That was hard. I am fairly positive now that it is just the weather changing screwing with my allergies because my eyes have gotten ridiculously red and itchy and after 3 days the tickle has remained but has not progressed to anything more.. and because the weather changing (and leaves dying) always screws with my allergies. So I am going to go see him today but, just in case, I will sport the very fashionable face mask.

I have not heard anything yet about his condition this morning but I am hoping they started him on the more specific antibiotic that will kick this infection's ass so he can get back to the very important task of getting big enough and strong enough to come home.

But anyway... My personal theory about my lack of motivation is this: I cannot do the 3 things I want to do more than anything else for at least 6 weeks and so... it is hard to get motivated to do anything at all. What are those three things, you ask?

Well... since you asked:
1. Sex. [With my husband]
2. Exercise. [With my new Wii and Wii Fit Plus!!]
3. Mommy. [With my little button, Liam]

And so.. I lay around and woe is me. I mean seriously, I have begged [BEGGED] my husband.. and he was so close, SO CLOSE... and would have given in if it wasn't for the gosh-darn internet. [I hate you, Al Gore!] And I want my body back- it really puts it all in perspective when you realize that only 2.2 pounds of all that baby weight was actual baby. But horror stories of ripped open scars and internal bleeding have kept me pretty immobile.. and the Wii that Ryan got for me as a Welcome Home present is sitting there... mocking me...

And, of course, more than anything in the whole wide world I was Liam to come home. Actually.. at this point... I would even settle for just kissing his face and cuddling him. Even if it is in the NICU. I just want to hold him and love him. That is pretty much the hardest part.

So.. my goal for today is to somehow, someway... find some shred of normal somewhere in this mess we call life. To make a schedule. To get myself together. To STOP POUTING and start grooving. Life will never go back to the way it was.. so I need to start putting together the pieces of the way it is... because it can still be good in it's new and unusual way.

3 comments:

Julia November 11, 2009 at 10:38 AM  

Life is always changing. We will probably always be finding a new groove. Whatever pattern you get into now that you can drive will change, I am sure, when Liam comes home.

On another note, I love house too! Do you ever watch Bones? If not you should check out an episode. You will find those online as well. And TNT has reruns starting at 7

Oh and hopefully you and hubby can "reconnect" soon ;)

KarmaPearl November 11, 2009 at 11:04 AM  

I hope the three things on your wishlist come true soon! But Ryan (and Al Gore) are both right about waiting. It'll be worth it in the end! ;)

I'm excited that you can drive again. That's AWESOME.

Toni November 11, 2009 at 12:28 PM  

I must say I was happy that you said sex, cause one of the items that popped into my head before reading your list was sex. :)

And, you are more often than not in my prayers to get to hold Liam and take him home. Actually, I looked up at the clock yesterday and it was 8:30 and I prayed that you were able to hold him, but its good you thought about health first.

Is he drinking your breast milk? If so, and if you do get a cold, you will be making the antibodies for it so thats a good thing. Also, by kissing on him you can pick up the germs on him and begin making antibodies for those as well. Breast milk is just too cool! :)

You're actually doing great, Michelle. And kudos for you taking it easy, I didnt and suffered from great exhuastion which lead to an overdose of iron, i.e., my stupidity. :) So, do small things right now, even laundary will wear you out and since you can drive now, you need all the energy you can keep to make the trips back and forth to see your little guy.

I hope you the appointment goes well!

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