Hold Me Close

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.
Hippocrates

For the first 65 days of his life, Liam was touched on a schedule. This breaks my heart into a million pieces every time I think about it... so I try not to think about it too often. I know that it was "for his own good." I know that they say his underdeveloped nervous system could not handle too much stimulation, and, as the nurses reminded us constantly, I know that he would not have been touched at all had he still be in the womb. However, something must be said for the difference between being cradled in the warm waters of the womb verses rolled up blankets in a boxy isolette, further punctuated by the frequent cold, clinical touch of the medical staff, poking and prodding and stabbing him with needles.

...like I said... a million pieces.

This is where my absolute-most-favorite-baby-product-ever-in-the-entire-world-hands-down comes in.

Mine is called The Ultimate Baby Wrap by Parents of Invention. I got it on sale for about 25 dollars (including shipping) from BabiesRUs. And it is pretty much the most amazing 25 dollars I have ever spent. I wish I had been crafty enough to make my own, but alas... not yet- soon though... very soon!


Because of Liam's little windpipe.. we have to watch that his chin does not rest on his chest; it could very well cut off his ability to breathe and so.. a sling would not be a very good idea. In fact, I did not think I would be able to use even this wrap until Liam got to be a bit bigger but I found this video which gave instructions on a hold that is great for preemies because they are lying almost vertically and it supports their head. Liam has been spending copious amounts of time in his wrap ever since.


It calms him down almost instantaneously.. and as I walk around he often settles into a bizarre position that I can only assume he found comfortable in utero. If I do not want curious eyes (and the filthy hands that come with them) peering in at him, I simply pull the fabric together and he is protected. He is close to my heart, a place he did not get to be for long enough.. and we get some serious snuggling in.

My time to have him all to myself was cut too short and it will not be long before Liam is wiggling out of my arms, eager to explore the world.. so I am soaking this in. Enjoying every moment he spends in my arms. I think I can officially be labeled a baby-wearing mama.

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Splish! Splash!

Everything is a miracle. It is a miracle that one does not dissolve in one's bath like a lump of sugar.
Pablo Picasso

Sunday was a big day for Liam. He met his Mamaw and Papaw (Ryan's grandparents) as well as his Uncle Josh and Aunt Natalie ....and also had his very first bath at home with Mama and Papa:

edited by Papa.
[Liam says, "Thank you for censoring my junk, Papa. A guy needs a little privacy!"]

Although I asked the NICU nurses several times to allow me to sit in on one of Liam's baths.. it never happened. Bathing a 4 and a half pound squirming pile of baby is not in my skill set so I was slightly nervous; however "The Bath" was not nearly as terrifying as its reputation led us to believe.

We had been told that Liam hated baths... but he actually handled it handsomely. Maybe he saw the look of terror in our sleep deprived eyes and decided to have mercy on us (or simply feared for his safety) but we made it through the entire process with minimal squalling and carrying on.


So... The days are both flying and crawling. Ryan and I have been watching copious amounts of television (thank you, instant Netflix) and basically doing our best not to lose our minds in between feeding and changing and soothing and loving.

Liam had to go to the doctor this afternoon because of some nasal congestion. His pediatrician was booked so we got another doctor who reminded me of a very nice Russian grandpa. [His "th's" were actually "v's." I only thought vat happened on television!] He looked "L-eye-um"over and came to the conclusion that he may have a cold... but more than likely he has a bad case of brand-spanking new parents who are more than a bit paranoid.

Poor kid.

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[4:00 a.m.]

Most glorious night!
Thou wert not sent for slumber!
Lord Byron, Childe Harold

Turns out parenthood gets a lot more complicated when you actually have the child. Who knew?
But it is quite wonderful to be able to stare at his face whenever the mood strikes.


I do sort of wish the nurses would have warned us that Liam sleeps about as peacefully as a passing train. Maybe they didn't know because there is always so much going on in the NICU. He grunts. He moans. He whines. He squeals. Just when I am sure he is a awake and get up to check... he stops. Oh, my.

My mother said she was afraid my "mama instincts" would be a bit rusty since I have not been having to get up at night for the last two months.. but oh, n0- they are working quite well, thank you. Tonight Papa took over from 11:30 to 3 a.m. so I could sleep in the living room because I cannot rest in the same room with Liam at all. Now I am back on duty.

Everyone keeps telling me that he is fine but it is not that I am worried about his well-being. We have a monitor that let's me know all is well. [Even though the doctor canceled the order, we already had the monitor so we figured we would put it to good use until they come to pick it up.] It is that the child is a ridiculously noisy sleeper! All my plans for Liam to sleep in our room slowly diminish as the sleepless hours pass by. Getting up when he needs me is no problem at all. It is just staring at the ceiling in between while he squeals and carries on happily in dreamland that is causing a level a sleep deprivation that makes me feel sorry for anyone who has to encounter me.

Oh! I am now going to abruptly end this post because Liam is being quiet and I am going to try to catch a few winks.

But it must be mentioned: It is all so [so, so] worth it.

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I Do Believe in Binkies! I Do! I Do!

Babies are such nice ways to start people.
Don Herold

If you had asked me while I was pregnant whether or not I would allow Liam to have a pacifier the answer would be a resounding, "no!" In fact... it was a resounding no each and every time my mother brought it up. However, in this as in many things, our reality has re-shaped our philosophy. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Liam will, in fact, be a binkie baby:



The child has a great, overwhelming need to suck AT. ALL. TIMES. If for whatever reason his very fancy vanilla scented pacifier is not at his lips, his fingers are a fine replacement. And while it is very, very cute... it is also an extremely difficult habit to break; whereas pacifiers can conveniently disappear.. fingers cannot (well, it is technically possible.. if you are keen on having DEFAX called on your ass). And so, while I cannot say that I am entirely happy about it... Liam will continue to have pacifiers at his disposal. For a little while at least. Spoiled.

[You'd spoil him too. Look at that face!]

So, ladies, what is your paci-opinion?

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Versus

The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.

Ellery Queen

Last Wednesday, I watched a Dr. Phil episode that really rubbed me the wrong way. Now, I know that this show is for entertainment purposes only: let's watch the drama unfold and then listen to everyone applause as Dr. Phil states the obvious. [ For instance- and I quote- "Life Law #1: You either get it or you don't. Strategy: Become one of those who gets it." Uh... Wow. Thank you, Dr. Phil. I don't know what I would have done without you.]

However, everything about this particular episode had my skin crawling. First of all, the title was ridiculous; on the website, it is titled "Guilty Moms" but, on the actual show, what flashed on the screen after every commercial break was "Stay-At-Home Moms vs. Working Moms." (They officially labeled the show otherwise because there has already been a show with this title and repetition would just be shameful.)

Verses? Really? Do we honestly need something else to pit women against each other? The operative word here should be MOMS and motherhood should be something that brings women together, not tears them apart.

Furthermore, any woman who had a balanced, sensible approach to the subject was given very little face time. Instead the show was dedicated to listening to unreasonable woman state unreasonable opinions and put down anyone who disagreed with them. The entire concept puts women in a bad light- Oh, here they go again: being petty and caddy and bitching at each other. We all know how woman are.

So, in general I found the show to be distasteful.. and on a personal level, it bothered me that the entire discussion seemed to be slanted in favor of working moms.

There was an audience debate in which the chosen stay-at-home mothers kept making polarizing comments that made them seem ignorant and stubborn and, in my opinion, did not accurately reflect the feelings of most stay-at-home moms. I think most women realize that motherhood is one of the most challenging things a woman can be faced with and, regardless of their various parenting philosophies, they want to be supportive of each other. Listening to these women criticize each other was painful. The stay-at-home moms also kept saying things like, "I am an educated woman," "Our lives aren't glamorous but we do it anyway," and, "I made this decision because I felt it was best for my family even though I COULD have gotten a job." These comments are basically conceding that this is somehow an inferior state of being for a woman. That by staying at home, you are sacrificing some part of yourself to do what is best for your kids. But if that is the case, I am not sure that mom would be doing her children a favor... because she would not be happy. And kids feel that kind of thing.

I am just going to take a moment to come out of the closet here: I... am domestic. In every way. Nothing makes me happier than cooking and cleaning and taking care of my family. I do not think I will ever find a job that fulfills me in this way. Sometimes, I watch old movies and I know I was born in the wrong era. It is just who I am. I will never feel like I am making a sacrifice. I will never feel like I have to defend my decision. It is my bliss.

I sometimes think some women that feel this way are afraid to say these sorts of things. So many women had to fight so hard for our rights. By admitting that you would be perfectly happy with a Hoover and a string of pearls- it can make you feel like a traitor. I took a Feminist Theory class a couple of semesters ago and I admitted these things to my professor in an attempt to make a point. She was an amazing teacher and I really enjoyed the class but her response was disturbing. She looked at me with pity, shook her head sadly, and told me I had been brainwashed by male society. There was no way I could just... want these things.

So these women on the show set themselves up to be martyrs. Which, in turn, forced them to label working moms as selfish. It was all very hurtful and unnecessary.

The next two segments were dedicated to talking to successful working mothers and helping a soon-to-be working mother get over her guilt of having to leave her child in someone else's care. Statistics about the superior cognitive development of kids in daycare were thrown about and stories of how working mothers have influenced their children in positive ways that stay-at-home moms can never hope to accomplish littered the rest of the show. However, this is silly because I don't think a woman is going to base her decision about whether or not to go back to work on any statistic [Oh, well, I was going to stay at home with little Timmy but.. studies show he would have better language skills, so off he goes.] Women make these decisions based on their desires, what they feel is best for their family, and on what they need to do to provide a stable, loving home for their children. The only purpose these studies have is to make a mother feel better about a decision she has already made, but at what cost? Making another women feel insecure?

Now...just to make things clear: I have absolutely NO problem with working moms. I was raised by an amazing one who showed me you can have everything you want out of life as long as you are willing to work for it and who balanced family and career in the most admirable way. In fact, she still looks at me in utter disbelief when I talk about not wanting to work outside the home. It is just such a foreign concept to her. When my propensity toward the domestic showed up (at a very early age), her immediate response was to figure out what sort of career that made me a good match for. Because of this, it took me until my third year of college to come to terms with the fact that I do not want a career at all. However, this is just who I am; I want to stay home with my family. Ryan and I are poor- but we are used to being poor and we live within our means. This will allow me to work part-time and since I am a nanny, I will be able to bring Liam with me to work. I feel so blessed to be able to do what I want to do with my life at this point. It is as much for me as for Liam... so maybe I am the selfish one!

I do not believe children are harmed in any way by not having a stay-at-home mom. I am a firm believer, as I have said NUMEROUS times, that as long as you are making decision based out of love for your child, you can do little harm. If your career is fulfilling and makes you happy, I believe that it should be pursued by all means... because you count too! And if you need to work to provide for your family then you should feel proud that you are able to give your child a stable home. As long as you are doing what you feel is best for you and what is best for your family, then you are doing the right thing. We have no business making judgements about other people's lives.

There are pros and cons to every decision we make. There is always a trade-off and you really cannot have it all. I just do not see why this has to be such a heated issue. Do we really need something else to get people at each other's throats? We are all just people.. doing the best that we can. How are we going to teach our children tolerance and acceptance of others when we are not being tolerate or accepting ourselves?

*Ahem* Getting off my soapbox now.

I would love to hear what you all have to say- in a tolerant, accepting manner, of course.

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Oh, my...

There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them.
Sylvia Plath

I find the above quote amusing in a twisted sort of way considering Plath's fate. [She stuck her head in a gas oven and killed herself.. for those of you who are not fortunate enough to know that little tidbit of information compliments of my Senior Seminar class; we just finished studying her last week and my professor made us all promise not to go home and slit our wrists- her poetry is that uplifting.]

However, if it is true.. I could certainly have used a hot bath after my registry excursion yesterday. It was entirely overwhelming. I mean.. I know I said something about babies needing a lot of stuff, but it did not even remotely prepare me for just how much stuff babies need. Have I mentioned that babies need a lot of stuff?!

After three hours in the store with my handy-dandy checklist I decided to finish up online. This was a very good idea because you can read reviews of the products and I ended up making a lot of changes based on the ratings other moms have given. (Ha, ha. "other moms"- I wonder how long it takes to get used to that.) I got back online today and made a few more changes and now I think it is... in some manner of speaking... complete.

I know I will continue to edit and change things as I am given hand-me-downs and visit garage and consignments sales. Remember how I mentioned that our Target registry was mainly "big-ticket items?" It has now come to my attention that there is very little in the realm of baby that would not qualify as a big-ticket item. This crap is expensive! And it is all marketed as if babies did not survive for thousands of years without spa bathtubs and play mats that flash and whistle and sing and light up every time baby turns his head. And it is all "designed to aid in your baby's cognitive development." And so you are standing there thinking, "If my child does not have this exercise saucer with the dancing alligators, he will not develop cognitively and he will be stupid and IT WILL BE ALL MY FAULT!!" And so.. you scan it.

I did end up scanning a lot of things I am not sure I would personally enjoy having in my house.. but it is mostly because every time I say something about not wanting one of those vibrating, bouncing baby seats or hating toys that bleep and blip and have no off switch, my mother looks at me as if I just told her I plan on holding Liam upside down by his ankles whenever he cries and giving him bourbon to help him sleep at night.

I know she would just pick it up for me anyway.. so I would rather have at least some say.

I am very different than my mom when it comes to parenting philosophies, I think. When I was born I instantly became the center of her universe. She was completely incapable of talking about anything besides me, her schedule revolved around me, and our entire home was overtaken by my stuff. The truth is... I would have turned out to be a spoiled rotten brat if my brother had not come along when he did and saved me from her.

I, on the other hand, am looking forward to making Liam a part of my life- not trading it in at the hospital for him. Maybe it is different because my mother was an entire decade older than I am now when I was born, and she had been single up until a year and a half before (when she met my dad and married him in four months- yeah, that is an interesting story). So she had plenty of time before me to pursue her other interests and when I came along I just... was her interest.

But I am not quite there yet. I know that life will be put on hold for a bit while we adjust to life with Liam... but the point will be to adjust so that we can get ourselves back in control. That is just too much to put on a baby; an infant is not capable of creating a safe, happy, healthy environment for a family- that is our job. This is why we are planning on using PDF (parent directed feeding). It is also why I am not such a huge fan of all the various loud, flashy toys and gadgets that would be entirely capable of overtaking our small home. Clutter stresses me out and, besides that, this is the first time I have had a place to call my own- I am having fun decorating it and do not want the entire place overrun by Liam's things. I like simple and I think that he will be just fine with simple. I have also insisted that Ryan maintain his outside interests after Liam arrives- and he is willing to help me do the same. I think a huge part of raising a child is maintaining your own sanity.

So.. I tried to stay on the simple side when picking things out for Liam Eliot. I tried to find subtle patterns for the swing and highchair that would not entirely clash with our living room. Since I know he won't care less whether or not his towel makes him look like a little ducky or a cow- I just picked things I liked, since I am going to be the one staring at it all the time. And everything.. I mean absolutely everything, has an off switch.

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The Stuff of Life

It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm. The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money.

Elinor Goulding Smith

Every Tuesday after class I stay over at my parent's house because I have class again Wednesday night and nothing in between so there is really no point in making the trek back up to Chattanooga at 10:00 p.m. and returning to Kennesaw half a day later.

I usually bring a load of laundry with me and spend the day washing clothes, doing homework, and getting sucked into the cable vortex because, when all your television is capable of producing is that manic snow, even commercials are entertaining. And then you find yourself saying things like, "Hey! Have you seen that commercial where that mom finds the rollover minutes in the trashcan? It is so ironic and funny!" and people look at you like you are crazy because apparently that was ironic and funny about six months ago when it first aired and now it is just irritating. I generally watch Law and Order:SVU and Animal Cops.... or random home improvement shows and talk shows... because that is really all that is on in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon, but, hey... beggars can't be choosers.

Anyway, all that to say.. THIS Wednesday is different. I have a load of laundry in the washing machine and as soon as I transfer it to the dryer (and make myself look like a human) I am off to register at Babies R Us.

Ryan and I discussed it and decided that, since I have a lot more tolerance for long shopping excursions and since I am also pickier about what we get for the baby, I will make the initial registry and then he can edit if he so chooses. (He said he did not care either way.. but I am pretty sure I heard a huge sigh of relief when I said I did not mind going alone.)

I got that suggestion from a book called first time Mom . It is honestly the best book I have read so far. It is amazingly simple and direct- just an honest look at one woman's complete experience. She really spares no details and she includes a TON of really helpful lists. She explains EVERYTHING from the moment her water broke (which, for her, happened before she went into labor) until her son was about 6 months old. I picked it up at the library and immediately knew I wanted it to keep... though I have yet to get my own copy. Sigh.

We already have a registry at Target but it is mostly for our family and ourselves as most of the stuff on that one are big ticket items like a crib and breast pump. I am really looking forward to creating this one because it will include all of those little things we will be using every day. Besides, I pretty much love browsing baby stores.. although, I can almost guarantee I will find at least ONE thing on sale that I just have to get. It is inevitable.

It is really incredible how much stuff one little, tiny baby needs. The day we found out we were pregnant, Ryan and I picked up a book at a used bookstore for 50 cents- the entire book is just a checklist of stuff you need to keep your baby alive. It doesn't even include any of the fun stuff like toys and books and cute little baby overalls; just the basics... and It. Is. An. Entire. Book.

All I can say is... THANK GOD FOR GRANDPARENTS!

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Sweet Dreams

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

Leo J. Burke

So I have been M.I.A. due to the craziness that surrounds a move. But we have officially moved into our new house now... and I could not be more pleased. We are still getting unpacked and situated (and probably will be for some time) but I will definitely be posting some before and after pictures as soon as possible. We have been working on the house for so long that it feels like a miracle to actually be living there. Sleeping there last night was both strange and wonderful. But I must say... it is already feeling like home.

In other news, Ryan and I have started the daunting task of mentally preparing ourselves for a newborn. I think a lot of people tend to get so hung up on physically preparing their homes for the arrival of their little one that often their heads get neglected. Because this pregnancy caught us so off guard, I started to worry that this could easily be us.

All four of the kids I take care of were taught healthy sleeping/feeding patterns using the methods laid out in On Becoming Babywise. After watching it work consistently in four kids, I was pretty much sold.. but what completely sealed the deal was having a stranger walk up to me in a used bookstore, ask if I was expecting my first, and say, "Well, can I suggest you read Babywise? I have three kids- including a set of twins- and it really, really, really works!!"

Yep. That was it. Sign us up.

Attachment Parenting advocates beware- you are probably not going to like this book... and may find yourself occasionally offended. It is strongly against child-centered parenting. However, the calm, confident, happy kids I have watched it produce and had the pleasure of taking care of over the last five years cannot be argued with. It creates an environment that all members of the family can enjoy and it seems to greatly reduce the stress and exhaustion associated with being chained to an infant.

So, that is what is sitting on our night stand at the moment. With all of the craziness of the last few weeks we have not actually made it past the introduction... but we are planning to read it together over the next couple of months. While I am pretty familiar with the techniques, I wanted Ryan and I to go through the book together so that we are on the same page. I think being solely in charge of Liam Eliot's schedule would be an unnesessary stress. Plus... it sets a good precedent for moving forward in the future: making parenting decisions together.

As I have said before, the decisions a new parent has to make can be overwhelming. I think Liam is going to be raised with an ecclectic mix of parenting techniques as Ryan and I prioritize our lives and try to figure out what the hell we are doing (which I am not entirely sure can ever actually be achieved) ... but every decision we make will be made out of love for our son. We love him so much and want what is best for him.

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Know. Learn. Be. Follow. Find. Feel. Grow. Live.

If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack.
- Ann Landers

Today, I am overwhelmed by all I want for our baby boy.

::know that he is loved fiercely and unconditionally.::
::learn to be true to himself- and follow his heart where ever it might take him.::
::be open-minded, kind, forgiving, happy, thoughtful, generous, hopeful, and honest.::
::find his soul's passion.::
::feel safe, secure and confident.::
::grow strong and healthy.::
::live fully.::

.. and so much more than this.

You know, I sometimes cannot wrap my mind around how blessed I am to have Ryan in my life. There are moments when I look at him and honestly wonder what he sees in me- why he chose me. I am hopelessly mediocre. He is going to change the world... and I am going to have the best seat in the house. He is beautiful. He gives tirelessly of himself. He loves with every ounce of his being. He has a quiet wisdom that astounds me. Creativity pulses through him in ways I can't even begin to understand. I have never known anyone to meet him and not see that something sets him apart.

In the three years that I have known him our lives have been turned upside down more than once and in ways that really could not be considered fair... but he is my hope. He is not perfect and he does not always have the answers.. but he is always constant. He is always loving and gentle. He is always quick to apologize and to forgive. He always listens. He always loves.

Ryan is going to make the most amazing father. It takes my breath away to think of it. He will fill our child's life with love, understanding and magic. He will never judge him harshly. He will never be pushy or over-bearing. He will never lose his temper. And I can honestly say these things with complete confidence. He is going to be an amazing role-model; I do not worry about the kind of man Liam will become if he chooses to emulate his father. Our son is as blessed to have Ryan in his life as I am.

We are both so excited to fill this little boy's life with love, creativity, music, books, adventures, comfort, hugs, kisses, laughter, dancing, memories, and life. I want so much for him already that my heart is bursting with it all.

We know that there will be tears and heart-ache. We know we will sometimes miss the peace we now take for granted. We know there will be days when we feel like tearing our hair out and screaming. We know that we will make mistakes- big mistakes- COLOSSAL mistakes....

But we also know that our love for Liam will be stronger than this. I am a firm believer in the power of that love. There are so many choices a new parent has to make about how to raise their child. Priorities have to be set, values have to determined, and life-altering decisions have to be made... then made again, then made again and again and again as life shifts- throwing you into new situations before you even have a chance to adjust to the old ones.

We are all human. We all make mistakes and we all choose different paths in life; however, if every decision you make is made from your heart out of love for you child.. then I truly believe you can do him little harm.

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