Confession

I have a confession to make.

It is a shameful thing I am going to say... but it must be said:
Ladies and gentlemen... I, Michelle A. Haddock... am not... a coupon-er.

I tried! I really, truly did try! On Sunday afternoon, I sat down in front of the computer with the ridiculous number of coupons I have clipped in the last couple of weeks and went to southersavers.com. I was so excited! We were going to save money- lots and lots of money! I could envision the shopping trips in my mind: going up to the cashier with my neat pile of coupons, watching the dollars fly off the final tab, skipping out the door. I was never going to pay full-price for something I needed again. [There were going to be unicorns and butterflies. It was really spectacular!]

Only... that isn't what happened at all. Not one little bit. Instead I found myself pulling my hair out, biting my fingernails and begging the heavens, "WHY!?! OH, WHY?!" as I stared at a screen and watched the lists morph into foreign symbols my exhausted brain could not understand, while a little troll sat next to me and laughed an evil laugh. Okay.. maybe there was no troll- but I was picturing a troll. Which should tell you just exactly how much of a crazy person couponing turned me into.

After spending literally an hour to track down the right Colgate coupon to go with the right sale at the right supermarket... so that I could get it for a dollar, it suddenly dawned on me- I have ALWAYS gotten toothpaste for a dollar.. because I get it AT THE DOLLAR STORE. And sure, I could get some mustard for free and maybe a blood glucose monitor.. but I have mustard and I have a blood glucose monitor and free clutter is STILL clutter. I do not have a pantry. I do not have a deep freezer. In fact, we are really very limited in cabinet space too.. so buying six boxes of cereal just because I can get it for 33 cents a box just does not work for our family.

Sigh.

On top of this.. I like organic/local far too much to rely on the cheapest prices; just because something is free does not mean I want my family to put it in their mouths. And also, I LIKE TO COOK! I do not want to base my entire week's menu on the fact that I got four packs of chicken thighs for $1.99 a lb. and have to use them this week. I want to be creative- I want to see a recipe I like and get the ingredients and try it out and be happy. And also, time and sanity are both as precious as money goes as far as resources are concerned- both of which I completely lost the minute I sat down to try this couponing thing out.

AND ALSO! I took what little I did get done to the grocery store and spend $31.00 on about half of our week's grocery list. I saved around $10.00 using coupons, which seems cool; HOWEVER, I usually go to Aldi and get way more than half my list (excluding our local/organic purchases) for about $40.00.. so in the end I am probably not going to be saving a penny. Aldi rocks.

Conclusion: Coupons blow. Epic fail.

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Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho....

You may or may not have noticed that I am posting less frequently... and there is a reason. There is a reason besides me being lazy, which, I will admit, I am quite capable of being.

Last week, I went back to work.
Let me just say.. It. Has. Been. HARD.

Have I mentioned how much I love my job? Oh, yes.. I believe I have.
Well, let me just mention it again: I have pretty much the most amazing job in the entire universe... taking care of pretty much the most amazing kids in the entire universe, and I would not trade it for anything in the entire world. When I am not at work I miss it terribly and can't wait to return and .. how many people can really say that?

However, I have to admit that I am struggling to find my rhythm this time around. Liam is an entirely different ball game; namely because he is mine. And also, he is quite tiny. And also.. he is quite demanding. And also.. he is mine.

It is much easier to say to a child who you are paid to care for and play with, "I'm sorry, love. But I can't [insert child's activity of choice here that must be done and must be done NOW or a little 2 year old brain may just very well explode] at the moment, I have to take care of your little brother/sister.." who you are also paid to care for and play with, but I am definitely battling some guilt when I have to turn down that game of Go Fish or princess tea-party to feed/change/cuddle my own little bundle of joy. Then I have to battle guilt of a different color when I walk by the room to hear my sweet one- who I do not want to feel another moment of discomfort or pain in his entire life because he has certainly had to endure enough in his short little life, thank you very much- in hysterics, but unable to go in and sooth him immediately because my arms are full of adorable squirming toddler and lunch needs to be made, diapers need to be changed, and noses need to be wiped- and OH, do not get my started on cross-contamination and the constant washing my poor dry, cracked hands have had to endure!

Have I mentioned it has only been one week? It has only been one week. And...to be fair, we survived it. Also, I know that I will settle into a routine soon, and that it will not be long before Liam is a little less fragile and a little more capable of joining in the fun. But, I have to say, it is certainly difficult to be a first-time mom and a care-taker of five simultaneously. Whew.

So I find myself in this unique situation; sort of a hybrid stay-at-home working mom.... and I am only working 2 days a week, but when I get home at the end of those two days I feel like I am about to collapse. So... I now have even more respect for working moms- you women are amazing!!

And I need to know... how do you do it?!

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The Homecoming

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
Franklin P. Jones

[Photo taken by Ryan Lee.]

Fezzik the Great has returned after a long absence. [He went to stay with my parents for a bit after Liam came home from the hospital.] We missed him a lot. A lot, a lot. The house just isn't the same without a schnoodle underfoot.

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A Soup Hiatus

I am taking a brief pause from my Liam obsession to tell you about a miracle that occurred in our house a few weeks ago; a miracle the blows the miracle of life right out of the water (sorry Liam).

This is the sort of thing that I wished for in the way one wishes for unattainable things. I never expected to see it in my lifetime; however, when I saw a shooting star...or blew out all my candles on my cake... I simply could not help but wish just one more time, holding onto a tiny sliver of hope that maybe- just maybe- the cosmos would turn their kindness toward me for one brief instant and I would witness a miracle of epic proportions.

And then.... It Happened.

Any one of you that knows my husband at all knows that the man somehow sustains himself on carbs, sugar, meat and cheese- lots and lots of cheese. He might be one of the pickiest eaters on the planet- at least in the Top 20...although from the horror stories his mother has told me, he has come a long way from the endless days of chicken nuggets and hot dogs. However, our eating habits are still VASTLY different... which makes cooking meals at home an interesting affair.

In spite of the hard time I give him (and trust me, I give him a very hard time) I generally tend to indulge his limited culinary tastes. He redeems himself somewhat by being very good about trying new things (at least one spoonful) but I also don't want him to starve... so more often than not I stick to recipes that I know he will like- things made of condensed soup, noodles, and, you know... meat. I can occasionally slip in the unassuming vegetable or two if it is in a casserole or disguised with a sauce of some sort, but I don't really push it. However... every once in a great while, I get just a little bit sick of searching for "kid-friendly recipes" when looking for something new for dinner... and this is when Ryan knows he is in trouble.

A while back I found a recipe on soulemama.com that I wanted to try but was not sure that Ryan would find acceptable. It was for broccoli soup that the author's FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER requested for her birthday. Yes... I was worried that my 25-year-old husband would turn his nose up at something that a 4-year-old considers a treat.

That is my life.

It had potatoes and it had cream... but I just knew those would be the only two redeeming qualities about the soup in Ryan's eyes. The lead role was played by a vegetable- a GREEN vegetable... followed closely by two more vegetables, one of which had never before been on our table in any form or fashion.



But... I wanted to try it and after many days of Campbell's Kitchen recipes... I felt like I had earned it. So, I went out...I bought the ingredients... and I told Ryan I was making soup.

I told him it sounded good.
I told him I thought he would like it.
Pretty much.... I lied.

Ryan made shifty eyes at me as I chopped up the veggies and threw them in the pot. As the smell of cooking broccoli filled the air, he sniffed and crinkled his nose, nodding and smiling when I asked, "Doesn't that smell good?" When the soup went into the blender, he lifted an eyebrow....and then, much as one smothers a pill in peanut butter for their beloved pooch, I sprinkled some cheese on top and set the pot in front of him with fear and trembling.....


And then Ryan tasted it.
And then Ryan liked it.
And then Ryan ATE IT.


So as not to ruin this story, I will not tell you that since then Ryan has made no move toward the leftovers (and oh, was there leftovers- turns out the recipe can feed a family of 6). I will just revel in that empty bowl and enjoy my small victory.

There is a God. And He loves me.

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Splish! Splash!

Everything is a miracle. It is a miracle that one does not dissolve in one's bath like a lump of sugar.
Pablo Picasso

Sunday was a big day for Liam. He met his Mamaw and Papaw (Ryan's grandparents) as well as his Uncle Josh and Aunt Natalie ....and also had his very first bath at home with Mama and Papa:

edited by Papa.
[Liam says, "Thank you for censoring my junk, Papa. A guy needs a little privacy!"]

Although I asked the NICU nurses several times to allow me to sit in on one of Liam's baths.. it never happened. Bathing a 4 and a half pound squirming pile of baby is not in my skill set so I was slightly nervous; however "The Bath" was not nearly as terrifying as its reputation led us to believe.

We had been told that Liam hated baths... but he actually handled it handsomely. Maybe he saw the look of terror in our sleep deprived eyes and decided to have mercy on us (or simply feared for his safety) but we made it through the entire process with minimal squalling and carrying on.


So... The days are both flying and crawling. Ryan and I have been watching copious amounts of television (thank you, instant Netflix) and basically doing our best not to lose our minds in between feeding and changing and soothing and loving.

Liam had to go to the doctor this afternoon because of some nasal congestion. His pediatrician was booked so we got another doctor who reminded me of a very nice Russian grandpa. [His "th's" were actually "v's." I only thought vat happened on television!] He looked "L-eye-um"over and came to the conclusion that he may have a cold... but more than likely he has a bad case of brand-spanking new parents who are more than a bit paranoid.

Poor kid.

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Flurries

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
Lao Tzu

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Rhythm of the Home

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.

Hans Christian Anderson

The things is... Ryan and I seem to fall very easily into survival mode. It can be a problem. The last few weeks, life with Liam has been entirely about survival. We were just happy to see the sun rise on another day and know that we are all still here and still in one piece. And that was enough.

Yesterday morning as I felt the excitement of the other graduates swirl around me while we waiting for the ceremony to begin... I was reminded of something: survival is pointless if you are not enjoying life. A few weeks ago, I was not sure I would even be there to enjoy that day.. and now it has happened. Life goes on and on and on. If you are just muddling through... there is really nothing to survive for is there?

Liam is doing so very well- he is gaining weight, feeding well on both bottle and breast, and his spells are minor. This morning whispers of "maybe he will be home by Christmas" were heard for the very first time. I have been sitting next to him for the last two hours, watching him sleep peacefully and realizing that I want so much more for him than just making it. I have been so focused on those monitors that I have forgotten the very reason I want his heart to beat. This entire experience has derailed my dreams for him and for our family and it is time to get things back on track- now... before Liam leaves the hospital so that he can enter a peaceful home and become part of a healthy, happy family.


I decided to give my blog a bit of a face-life- I hope you like it. I wanted to do this because I want to start this blog in a new direction. A direction that focuses on life rather than the act of surviving it. An updated look to go with a new direction seemed in order.

So, as my first step in my new and improved direction I want to tell you about a beautiful family website called Rhythm of the Home.


It is a free, online magazine published quarterly. [There is also a blog that is having a giveaway- enter for a chance to win some advertising space or lovely crafting tid-bits.] I learned about Rhythm of the Home from another blog I have been enjoying called Shivaya Naturals, which is written by one of the contributors to the publication, and I have been enjoying this first edition quite a lot.

There is so much in the magazine that I love and so many projects my hands are just itching to try out. Also, the articles are substantial- no fluffy blurbs to be found! It is really fantastic.

One article I enjoyed was Jumping into Books by Valarie Budayr. The author talks about her family reading time and how books came alive in her home. She includes a reading suggestion and art projects to go along with the book. I believe I love this article because books are so important to me and I hope to pass the love I have for them onto Liam. I feel that reading spurs a child's imagination in ways that nothing else can and there are so many books that I cannot wait to share with my little one.

It was extraordinarily difficult to pick just one article to share with you. I forced myself to pick only one because otherwise I would be here all day and you would have nothing left to read! I hope that you will take a moment to check out Rhythm of the Home because I know you will find something to enjoy as well.

I know that I will be a frequent visitor as our family finds and settles into our own rhythm.

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Nana and Pop

Never have children, only grandchildren.

Gore Vidal

Nana and Pop have been just itching to get their hands on Liam. They made it up here in lightning speed when I told them the day had come!

Mama, Nana and Liam.
(in case you are curious about the gown- My Mother, The Nurse insisted on wearing it.)

She made Pop wear one too!
I hope Liam will feel the same warm, comforting familiarity from my father's hands as I do.

They also took an updated Haddock family photo.
I am not entirely sure what is up with me... but my boys are both looking so handsome!

And just for fun..

An example of what flash does on a skin tone commonly referred to as DEATH. [And just so you know... I even toned this down quite a bit just so it wouldn't blind you or short out your screen. Your welcome.]

Oh, Sigh. Between Ryan and I... our poor child is practically going to be a vampire. You know... hopefully without all the fangs, coffins, blood-sucking... or lifeless dialogue and co-dependant relationships. [That was a not so subtle Twilight dig.. just in case you didn't pick up on it.]

Next post coming to you from the proud owner of a B.A. in English! Wish me luck! [For a klutz like me, walking across the stage to receive a diploma in front of thousands of people... in HEELS.... is pretty much the stuff my nightmares are made of. Eek.]

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Words? What Words?

I don't generally subscribe to "Wordless Wednesday" on account of I like to talk to much... and because whenever Wednesday rolls around I get so disappointed because I know that most of the blogs I follow will be lacking in the witty banter and words of wisdom I so enjoy and look forward to. I confess: I do not like Wordless Wednesday. Don't hate me, internet.

However, today... I am holed up in the library working on a massive paper that is due... oh, a week ago or so... and cannot [cannot, cannot, cannot] waste the many minutes [ok, HOURS] I usually do on browsing/blogging/messaging/etc. I MUST FOCUS! On Robert Lowell and his gosh-darn confessional antics. Also.. there is not much to update you on in the way of Liam- nothing is changing today. He is still doing quite well. So.. I will cocede just this once to participate in Wordless Wednesday- although.. I suppose I have already broken the rules with this rather long, rambling introduction.

I am going to share with you one of the first pictures ever taken of me and my love:

2007.

I could stand to lose a few pounds and Ryan could stand to gain a few, Mr. Bones. But.. man.. was life simple. We had just found each other and had no idea what craziness was in store for us yet. In just a few weeks, life would start to get messy- and sometimes I would wonder what I had gotten myself into. We have yet to get ourselves cleaned up. It has been one thing after another after another... and there are times we just look at each other and wonder when we will get a break. But... I love my messy life with Ryan. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

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How Michelle Got Her Groove Back

Habit is a beneficent harness of routine which enables silly men to live respectfully and unhappy men to live calmly.
George Eliot

I am finding it rather difficult to get myself back into my daily groove. Or any groove, for that matter. Obviously.. my life has just come to a screeching halt on many levels: I am not going to school anymore (although we talked to my professors and they both seem willing to help me finish from home so *fingers crossed* I may still be able to graduate in December!), I am not working anymore, (boo! I miss my kids SO much) and I am under pretty strict orders to take it easy. So, getting back into what my life used to be is pretty much out of the question. It is just about the strangest thing ever to go from as busy as I was to... this. However, there are still things I could be doing.. and I think about doing them... and I think about doing them some more... and then... I don't... and then I watch 12 episodes of House online.

10 Things I could be doing:
1. Laundry- loads and loads and loads of laundry. We have lots of laundry and I could do it.
2. Putting the new handles on the cabinets.
3. Straightening up the house... which just seems to be getting filthier and filthier. Le sigh.
4. Whip out my sewing machine and learn to use the dang thing.
5. Finally teach myself to knit which I have been wanting to do For. Ev. Er.
6. Start sorting through the disaster area that will need to become Liam's nursery.
7. Start writing my senior seminar paper.
8. My wedding scrapbook!
9. Continue in my decorating endeavors.
10. I don't know... actually make it out of bed before 1 o'clock in the afternoon?!

Well, okay.. today, I will be making it out of bed before 1 p.m. because today I have a doctor's appointment at 1:15 p.m.- lucky me. I will then be driving myself over to the hospital for the very first time to see my baby. As of last night, he was much more stable since being put back on the ventilator. I did not go in to see him because I had a bit of a tickle in my throat. That was hard. I am fairly positive now that it is just the weather changing screwing with my allergies because my eyes have gotten ridiculously red and itchy and after 3 days the tickle has remained but has not progressed to anything more.. and because the weather changing (and leaves dying) always screws with my allergies. So I am going to go see him today but, just in case, I will sport the very fashionable face mask.

I have not heard anything yet about his condition this morning but I am hoping they started him on the more specific antibiotic that will kick this infection's ass so he can get back to the very important task of getting big enough and strong enough to come home.

But anyway... My personal theory about my lack of motivation is this: I cannot do the 3 things I want to do more than anything else for at least 6 weeks and so... it is hard to get motivated to do anything at all. What are those three things, you ask?

Well... since you asked:
1. Sex. [With my husband]
2. Exercise. [With my new Wii and Wii Fit Plus!!]
3. Mommy. [With my little button, Liam]

And so.. I lay around and woe is me. I mean seriously, I have begged [BEGGED] my husband.. and he was so close, SO CLOSE... and would have given in if it wasn't for the gosh-darn internet. [I hate you, Al Gore!] And I want my body back- it really puts it all in perspective when you realize that only 2.2 pounds of all that baby weight was actual baby. But horror stories of ripped open scars and internal bleeding have kept me pretty immobile.. and the Wii that Ryan got for me as a Welcome Home present is sitting there... mocking me...

And, of course, more than anything in the whole wide world I was Liam to come home. Actually.. at this point... I would even settle for just kissing his face and cuddling him. Even if it is in the NICU. I just want to hold him and love him. That is pretty much the hardest part.

So.. my goal for today is to somehow, someway... find some shred of normal somewhere in this mess we call life. To make a schedule. To get myself together. To STOP POUTING and start grooving. Life will never go back to the way it was.. so I need to start putting together the pieces of the way it is... because it can still be good in it's new and unusual way.

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Our New Normal

Laugh at yourself but don't ever aim your doubt at yourself.

Alan Alda

Ladies and Gentlemen... I am home.
And I am not wearing any pants.

I am not wearing any pants because I do not have to worry about a nurse, or doctor, or technician, or consultant, or housekeeper walking in on me every fifteen minutes. So... I am wearing Hello Kitty underwear.. and a t-shirt... and NO PANTS.

I would also like to point out that my blood pressure has stayed at least 20 points lower than it did at any point in the hospital- in spite of all the medication. Home is healing; home... and lack of pants.

On Tuesday night the doctor showed up around 10:00 p.m. and said I could go home. He also said he does not usually like to send people home so late but it is not often that he has a patient in the hospital for 8 days and so he wanted to give me the option. It was tempting to get the heck out of there... but it was not entirely practical. Nothing was packed up and we would have to go get my prescriptions filled and I was already tired because... apparently being sick and having major surgery can really wipe a person out. [Who knew?] So we waited until the morning.

I was very excited to be going home... but then.. it dawned on me: I would have to leave my baby here. I would be walking out the door without him and... you know what? That really sucks.

Everyone is constantly reminding me that things could be so much worse and that I am leaving him in good hands and that this is the best place for him to be and at least he is doing well and I am doing well and again, things could be So. Much. Worse. And, trust me when I say, I know this. I get this. It is completely and totally understood by my brain. It does not make it any easier to walk out the front door of a hospital while your brand-new (and oh so tiny) baby remains behind to incubate... because for whatever reason your body decided to betray you and now he is having to suffer the consequences long after you get to go home to your nice comfy bed and continue on with your life.

This entire situation occasionally feels like the practical joke from hell. Almost as if someone, somewhere sat around [performing the evil finger tap of contemplation] and came up with something they could throw at me that would leave me scratching my head.

Hmm... bizarre pregnancy induced illness leading to a micro-preemie! GO!

I have always wanted to raise my children naturally and organically. I wanted cloth diapers and homemade baby food and as little medical intervention as possible. And now my son is being nourished by lime green mystery fluids pumped into his veins through an IV.. and being lulled to sleep by the beeping of heart monitors and the voices of nurses reading off the stats while a box keeps him warm. Not my arms- not a cozy blanket.... a box. Yes, it is a very fancy box... it is the Cadillac of boxes as far as boxes go...but it is a box, nonetheless.

And I can only touch him for a few minutes a day. And there are so many things that could go wrong at any given moment. And... he is just so very tiny.

It is just a very strange thing to wrap my head around. And it is a very strange way to start our family.

As my mother likes to point out on a regular basis: Ryan and I do not do "normal." But it is never our choice- life just keeps happening to us without our permission. Sometimes I think that when we decided to get married, we signed some sort of contract that states that we will allow life to bend us over and make us its... *ahem* woman.... whenever it so desires.

So, today is the first day of, once again, recalibrating normal. I am not sure what it will look like.. but we have to start somewhere. And... I am quite happy to be home.

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Versus

The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.

Ellery Queen

Last Wednesday, I watched a Dr. Phil episode that really rubbed me the wrong way. Now, I know that this show is for entertainment purposes only: let's watch the drama unfold and then listen to everyone applause as Dr. Phil states the obvious. [ For instance- and I quote- "Life Law #1: You either get it or you don't. Strategy: Become one of those who gets it." Uh... Wow. Thank you, Dr. Phil. I don't know what I would have done without you.]

However, everything about this particular episode had my skin crawling. First of all, the title was ridiculous; on the website, it is titled "Guilty Moms" but, on the actual show, what flashed on the screen after every commercial break was "Stay-At-Home Moms vs. Working Moms." (They officially labeled the show otherwise because there has already been a show with this title and repetition would just be shameful.)

Verses? Really? Do we honestly need something else to pit women against each other? The operative word here should be MOMS and motherhood should be something that brings women together, not tears them apart.

Furthermore, any woman who had a balanced, sensible approach to the subject was given very little face time. Instead the show was dedicated to listening to unreasonable woman state unreasonable opinions and put down anyone who disagreed with them. The entire concept puts women in a bad light- Oh, here they go again: being petty and caddy and bitching at each other. We all know how woman are.

So, in general I found the show to be distasteful.. and on a personal level, it bothered me that the entire discussion seemed to be slanted in favor of working moms.

There was an audience debate in which the chosen stay-at-home mothers kept making polarizing comments that made them seem ignorant and stubborn and, in my opinion, did not accurately reflect the feelings of most stay-at-home moms. I think most women realize that motherhood is one of the most challenging things a woman can be faced with and, regardless of their various parenting philosophies, they want to be supportive of each other. Listening to these women criticize each other was painful. The stay-at-home moms also kept saying things like, "I am an educated woman," "Our lives aren't glamorous but we do it anyway," and, "I made this decision because I felt it was best for my family even though I COULD have gotten a job." These comments are basically conceding that this is somehow an inferior state of being for a woman. That by staying at home, you are sacrificing some part of yourself to do what is best for your kids. But if that is the case, I am not sure that mom would be doing her children a favor... because she would not be happy. And kids feel that kind of thing.

I am just going to take a moment to come out of the closet here: I... am domestic. In every way. Nothing makes me happier than cooking and cleaning and taking care of my family. I do not think I will ever find a job that fulfills me in this way. Sometimes, I watch old movies and I know I was born in the wrong era. It is just who I am. I will never feel like I am making a sacrifice. I will never feel like I have to defend my decision. It is my bliss.

I sometimes think some women that feel this way are afraid to say these sorts of things. So many women had to fight so hard for our rights. By admitting that you would be perfectly happy with a Hoover and a string of pearls- it can make you feel like a traitor. I took a Feminist Theory class a couple of semesters ago and I admitted these things to my professor in an attempt to make a point. She was an amazing teacher and I really enjoyed the class but her response was disturbing. She looked at me with pity, shook her head sadly, and told me I had been brainwashed by male society. There was no way I could just... want these things.

So these women on the show set themselves up to be martyrs. Which, in turn, forced them to label working moms as selfish. It was all very hurtful and unnecessary.

The next two segments were dedicated to talking to successful working mothers and helping a soon-to-be working mother get over her guilt of having to leave her child in someone else's care. Statistics about the superior cognitive development of kids in daycare were thrown about and stories of how working mothers have influenced their children in positive ways that stay-at-home moms can never hope to accomplish littered the rest of the show. However, this is silly because I don't think a woman is going to base her decision about whether or not to go back to work on any statistic [Oh, well, I was going to stay at home with little Timmy but.. studies show he would have better language skills, so off he goes.] Women make these decisions based on their desires, what they feel is best for their family, and on what they need to do to provide a stable, loving home for their children. The only purpose these studies have is to make a mother feel better about a decision she has already made, but at what cost? Making another women feel insecure?

Now...just to make things clear: I have absolutely NO problem with working moms. I was raised by an amazing one who showed me you can have everything you want out of life as long as you are willing to work for it and who balanced family and career in the most admirable way. In fact, she still looks at me in utter disbelief when I talk about not wanting to work outside the home. It is just such a foreign concept to her. When my propensity toward the domestic showed up (at a very early age), her immediate response was to figure out what sort of career that made me a good match for. Because of this, it took me until my third year of college to come to terms with the fact that I do not want a career at all. However, this is just who I am; I want to stay home with my family. Ryan and I are poor- but we are used to being poor and we live within our means. This will allow me to work part-time and since I am a nanny, I will be able to bring Liam with me to work. I feel so blessed to be able to do what I want to do with my life at this point. It is as much for me as for Liam... so maybe I am the selfish one!

I do not believe children are harmed in any way by not having a stay-at-home mom. I am a firm believer, as I have said NUMEROUS times, that as long as you are making decision based out of love for your child, you can do little harm. If your career is fulfilling and makes you happy, I believe that it should be pursued by all means... because you count too! And if you need to work to provide for your family then you should feel proud that you are able to give your child a stable home. As long as you are doing what you feel is best for you and what is best for your family, then you are doing the right thing. We have no business making judgements about other people's lives.

There are pros and cons to every decision we make. There is always a trade-off and you really cannot have it all. I just do not see why this has to be such a heated issue. Do we really need something else to get people at each other's throats? We are all just people.. doing the best that we can. How are we going to teach our children tolerance and acceptance of others when we are not being tolerate or accepting ourselves?

*Ahem* Getting off my soapbox now.

I would love to hear what you all have to say- in a tolerant, accepting manner, of course.

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Over It

Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.
Newt Gingrich

So, I have to say.. I am feeling completely over being pregnant right now. But at the same time, I am not even remotely ready for a baby.

I sort of just want to hang my pregnancy up in the coat closet for a little while and walk away. Maybe I will have some dinner (consisting of massive quantities of sushi and salad with loads of feta), a nice glass of wine (or two.... or three), a good book, and a soak in an ultra-super hot jacuzzi... and then a romp in bed with my hubby wearing the lingerie I did not get nearly enough use out of (with the lights on).

The only problem is... it would be so hard to step back into my current body willingly.

It is really quite pathetic when you consider the fact that I have had a nearly symptom-free pregnancy up until.... I don't know.. LAST WEEK! Wow. I am a baby. One week of really bad heartburn and muscle pain and swollen feet and exhaustion and I am ready to throw in the towel. I seriously admire women who make it through nine months of a difficult pregnancy- especially those that do it all with a smile on their face. I need to meet you.. and be humbled... and take notes.

My stomach has been on strike the last couple of days. On Thursday night I had a dinner of about 72 chocolate cookies (I know, I know! But my mom made them- homemade and right out of the oven. I was weak!) and Hot Tamales (I have no excuses for this) and then on Friday, we had Arby's for lunch and pizza for dinner. I am generally a pretty wholesome eater so my body does not tolerate junk food very well if it is not balanced with the good stuff. So I've been on my best behavior ever since but it seems I really messed up and it is not going to forgive me so easily. Gah. I do not need to be adding to my own discomfort.

Whenever I mention that I am sort of tired of pregnancy, I am told reassuringly that it "won't be too much longer now." However, I have to admit that this is not really that comforting. Giving birth is not a walk in the park, and the discomfort does not end the minute the baby pops out... of your vagina... which is where his massive head will be squeezing through. Get the picture? There is a lot of healing you have to go through and, as all pregnant women are CONSTANTLY reminded of, your body will 'Never. Be. The. Same.'

Yeah, thanks for that upper.

On top of this, you then have a little, tiny, helpless being that is entirely your responsibility. And they just hand it to you and you have to take it home and keep it alive. I mean... shouldn't there be some sort of screening for this?! We went through a more rigorious process to aquire our DOG.

And then there is all the hormone fluctuations and the crying and the cracked nipples and the sleepless nights (either because the baby is getting up to eat.. or, if you are like me, you will be staring at him to make sure he is breathing).

The end of pregnancy is really just the beginning of something else, you know. It is almost as if people forget that.

I haven't.

Ah, well... I suppose I am just having a grumpy moment because I am currently BREATHING FIRE. And that lovely pain in my abdomen will not go away without Tylenol- which I know is safe but would prefer to avoid if possible. But it is either that or no sleep and I think the latter is more dangerous, especially considering how often I find myself driving long distances and my tendency to doze off at the wheel.

Good things really did happen this weekend and I have nothing to whine about. Last night, my lovely McKenzie drove up to visit me with her husband and brother. She is my sunshine. It was a lovely evening.


After they left, my baby brother drove up and spent the night. We went to church and then he treated me and Ryan to lunch at The Blue Plate because he is smooth like that. Then we treated him to coffee and dessert at Rembrandt's.


[As a side note- as I'm sure you can tell.. most of my pictures are not exactly current. The reason for this is that the computer on which our photo downloading software is located is not currently set up in the new house so.. once we get that done.. or get a new camera I will be including many more current photos of the happenings of our daily lifes. Hopefully it will be very, very, very soon. I miss it!]

After Ethan left and Ryan headed to the haunt, I made some fruit salad and shared a bit with our rats (yes, we have rats:: and yes, it's on purpose:: and yes, they make amazing pets:: and yes, we WILL be keeping them after the baby is born. Don't judge!).


I then cuddled up in bed (no, not with the rats) and watched the first disc of the second season of House, which Ryan had gotten for me on Netflix to keep me company while he is away.

It was really a pretty good weekend.
So... you know.. I shouldn't be moaning. Ignore me.
The end.

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The Godfather [Part I]

Let me think about it. We'll see.
Michael (from The Godfather)

I never had godparents growing up. My mother was raised Catholic and, after leaving the church, did not want anything to do with it again- including that harmless tradition. Ryan did not have godparents either; however, we decided that we would like to give someone that place in Liam's life.

There are many, many, many people in our lives that we would love to honor by giving them that title. Because there are so many we decided to narrow it down by creating some guidelines.

We want Liam's godparents to be close enough to be involved in his life on a regular and consistent basis and we would also like them to be in a situation that allows them to be someone special for him. In other words, we don't want it to just be a label given to someone too busy or too far away or too disinterested to really enjoy it.

We actually had not given much thought to the issue beyond, "Yes.. we would like Liam to have godparents," until a friend of ours brought it up and asked if he could be the godfather. We considered it for a few minutes and realized that he would be great for the job!

I have known Caleb for 8 years. He was 14 and I was 15 and he showed up at my house one day with another friend of mine and basically never left. He quickly developed a crush on me (in those days he fell for any girl that looked him in the eye) but I did not reciprocate. When he shared those feelings (over INSTANT MESSAGING, mind you) he did not appreciate my response: "but you are practically my brother!!" ... however, now I know he is glad that nothing ever came of it because our friendship has become one of the most important things in both of our lives.. and we would have lasted 3.5 seconds as a couple.

January::2004
New Year's Kiss!

January :: 2007
We Laugh.

January:: 2009
(The first person after Ryan and my Daddy to dance with me.)
Heh, heh- I look like a chicken!

When I first mentioned the cute boy I had been spending time with (who would later become my husband), Caleb was suspicious. In a twist of fate, he had moved to Chattanooga about a year before I had.. and so he felt very responsible for me as the the only person I really had nearby. As I breathlessly described my twitterpated state of mind over this boy who had swept me off my feet, Caleb crossed his arms in front of him and gruffly replied, "I don't like him." However, after meeting... they very quickly became close friends. The three of us could hang out for hours and it never felt like a couple and a third wheel or anything like that. We always have a great time together...and now Caleb and Ryan will even go on regular man-dates without me!

Caleb will be a great godfather. He is nearby. He is not married. He is someone we both trust and adore. He will have the time and energy to be involved consistently. We are perfectly comfortable with him in every way. And we know that he will love Liam.

We still are not sure about a godmother. Most women we know are married, have children of their own, and/or live very far away. We may end up not asking anyone.. but I do not think we have ruled it out just yet. To be perfectly honest, it really does not matter that much-there are going to be so many people in this kid's life to love on him [and probably spoil him dang rotten]. Between his Aunt Leslie and Uncle Ethan, his grandparents, his great-grandparents, numerous other extended family members, plus all of his adopted aunts and uncles--whew. But it was still nice to be able to bestow the title of The Godfather to Caleb- it pretty much made his life.

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Oh, Happy Day

Cheerfulness is the very flower of health.
Proverb

So.. Can I just say that I absolutely LOVE living on the North Shore? Love it. It is absolutely perfect.

Chattanooga has to be one of the best places to raise a kid. Yesterday, I picked up Chattanooga Parent Magazine and was looking at all the free fall activities for kids coming up and got so freakin' excited! It is really incredible. This city is full of awesome opportunities for kids to explore and learn and play... and, as an added bonus, Liam and I will be able to walk to most of the awesome stuff we want to do. Seriously. I can't imagine a better place to be.

Ryan and I had a fantastic day yesterday. We don't generally get to spend large amounts of time together this semester because our schedules are entirely conflicting. When we realized that we had no commitments and could spend the entire day together, it was like...whoa.

We went to church and then headed over to the Hunter Art Museum. The first Sunday of every month is free, by the way; another awesome point for Chattanooga. (They also had live music- very cool.)

[As a side note, I would just like to say that I have discovered I appreciate art that takes what I will refer to as "actual talent." While I will admit that slapping some paint on a canvas and then coming up with an elaborate and pretentious meaning behind it that includes pain and/or isolation, an extensive vocabulary, and a good dose of "mommy issues" takes some measure of creativity, if I can go to any kindergarten classroom and see pieces at the same technical level... you lose. In other words- the temporary "New York Cool" exhibit sucked the big one. ]

After that, we headed home to eat lunch and watch a silly chick flick because my husband is a good sport. We then promptly fell asleep, woke up two hours later, realized we were starving, and met my best friend Caleb and his friend from school for dinner. We then got ice cream and watched Firefly for the rest of the night.

Yeah. It was basically the perfect Sunday. And exactly what we needed.

Also, I am surprised and happy to report that I have not been worried about Liam at all. I like to pretend he is doing his best to reassure his Mama because while he is usually fairly stubborn- moving only if and when he darn well pleases- he has been extremely active this weekend. My mom gave me a stethoscope so that I could listen to his heart and every time I have placed it on my tummy he gives it a prompt little kick so that even if I am unable to find his heartbeat, I know things are fine.

I have been taking my multivitamin religiously, along with the DHA supplements I never used. Fezzik and I have been walking to the park every day and I have been making myself eat copious amounts of fruits and vegetables- no more skipping meals! I am also refusing to stress.. which is actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. I honestly feel really good.

I should have let myself just be pregnant months ago instead of plowing on like nothing had changed. My mentality has definitely shifted. I have had an extremely easy pregnancy and I should be grateful for that. For the most part it has been an enjoyable experience and, instead of enjoying it, I have fabricated things to be upset about. But.. I can still enjoy the rest of it and I plan to.

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Home is Where...

A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built on love and dreams.

Here are a few *before* pictures of our new house. I still have not taken the *afters* because it isn't after quite yet! We still have a lot of work to do.

These were taken by my Daddy in mid-July; a couple of weeks before closing. After working on the house for so long, it is interesting to look back on how it started. Not to mention how my belly has grown during the last few months!

A view of the front- (the guy on the steps is our realtor, Clayton). Notice the massive trees growing through the porch and in the backyard.. which are not actually trees at all.. but weeds on steriods.

Here is the view from the front door- the kitchen is to the left and the living room is to the right. Please admire the fabulous color scheme: red hall, yellow living room, turquoise kitchen and BROWN trim. Le sigh. As one friend put it... it is like they were trying so hard to be trendy that they missed.

The kitchen- minus all appliances....

The bathroom- which after taking a couple of broken mirrors down we discovered had at one time been pepto-bismal pink.. but apparently, that was just TOO CRAZY... so they painted it white and included...

this lovely mural... and although the shower rod blocks her left hand, it must be mention that she is wielding a handgun. Yes, there is a pregnant mermaid with a handgun above the shower. Can it get much better?

This is the master bedroom- and the only room we did not paint. Yay!


And finally, le bebe's room- although the walls are white we found about 837 nails (along with many more holes where we assume nails used to be) in the walls- we think it must have been collaged at one point..I have never spackled so much in my entire life.

There are many more pictures of various nooks and crannies, but this is the basic idea. Much painting and repairing has ensued.. but there is still much to be done. Because we know that we will outgrow this house fairly quickly, we are not doing any major remodeling (though I have to admit I have moments when the Extreme Makeover bug hits me and I just want to gut the place). Most of the work is cosmetic and relatively shallow.. but it already looks so much better.

Sometimes, I walk around and it will hit me that this is the house our son will spend his early years in. I will just stare at the bathtub, picturing him splashing in it... or at the backyard, seeing Ryan and Liam running around, chasing the dog and laughing. This is our home- we are starting our family here.

The other day, I put the cleaning supplies in a cabinet above the space for the washing machine, rather than under the kitchen sink...

Because of the baby. That will be here. In a matter of months. AH!

It's all so crazy. When did I become a grown up?!

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Only When We Are No Longer Afraid

The LORD is for me; I will not fear... Psalm 118:6a

Throughout my life, my parents' faith has been a constant source of support and comfort. I have often relied on it when my own faith has failed. It is strange, I know... but even when I am not sure if God exists for me, I have never doubted that He exists for them. I know He will not let them down.

Since the moment I found out I was pregnant I have constantly battled with fear, doubt, and insecurity. It has certainly stolen a certain measure of my joy. I often cannot focus on the wonderful miracle that is happening within me because my mind is so preoccupied with worrying about the health of the baby. I have also kept myself from bonding with him out of fear of falling in love with someone I will never meet. I have been afraid to want him too much. Which is honestly ridiculous because even though he was such a surprise and I did not even know I wanted him... I have never wanted or loved anything more in my entire life.

Last night I went home to my mom and dad to ask for help. I have not been feeling Liam move strongly or consistently for days. While there is still an occasional poke or twinge that reminds me of those first early movements... I can hardly remember what those strong jabs I was experiencing last week feel like. So I find myself headed down the same road I have been up and down throughout this entire pregnancy. And to be perfectly honest... I am just... tired of it. My mind is tired of it. My body is tired of it. I did not feel like I could do this anymore.

When I got home, my dad and I started talking. He reminded me that I have battled with fear since I was a very small child. I would worry myself sick over things I had absolutely no control over- often ridiculous things that made absolutely no sense, like my parents dying in their sleep or whatever it was I imagined lurking behind the shower curtain when it was pulled closed.

When I expressed my exhaustion over this constant worrying about the baby... he made a very good point:

This is a battle I am going to have to fight for the rest of my life.
So I might as well get good at it.

If I keep giving into these insecurities, doubts and fears... I am going to live a pretty miserable existence. Liam Eliot is now a part of that existence; he was from the moment I saw that little pink line in the window of the test and he will be until the day I die- regardless of how long he is a part of my life.

The struggle with fear will not stop when they place Liam in my arms. It will not stop when he takes his first steps or goes to school for the first time or gets his driver's license... or goes to college.... or gets married....

I can't stop the fear from knocking on my door... but as my Daddy put it: That doesn't mean you have to accept the delivery.

When my mom and dad prayed for me, I realized how very familiar that sound was: they have been praying for me my entire life. They know exactly how I am feeling right now because they experienced it for the first time when they found out they were having me.... and they have relied on prayer throughout my entire life; trusting for my safety.

I don't want to be miserable. I want to enjoy every moment I have with my little boy... so I am determined to get good at this. I am not going to give in anymore.

Even though my folks and I don't see eye to eye on everything... I gotta say:: they are pretty darn smart.

My family at my brother's high school graduation in 2008

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Know. Learn. Be. Follow. Find. Feel. Grow. Live.

If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack.
- Ann Landers

Today, I am overwhelmed by all I want for our baby boy.

::know that he is loved fiercely and unconditionally.::
::learn to be true to himself- and follow his heart where ever it might take him.::
::be open-minded, kind, forgiving, happy, thoughtful, generous, hopeful, and honest.::
::find his soul's passion.::
::feel safe, secure and confident.::
::grow strong and healthy.::
::live fully.::

.. and so much more than this.

You know, I sometimes cannot wrap my mind around how blessed I am to have Ryan in my life. There are moments when I look at him and honestly wonder what he sees in me- why he chose me. I am hopelessly mediocre. He is going to change the world... and I am going to have the best seat in the house. He is beautiful. He gives tirelessly of himself. He loves with every ounce of his being. He has a quiet wisdom that astounds me. Creativity pulses through him in ways I can't even begin to understand. I have never known anyone to meet him and not see that something sets him apart.

In the three years that I have known him our lives have been turned upside down more than once and in ways that really could not be considered fair... but he is my hope. He is not perfect and he does not always have the answers.. but he is always constant. He is always loving and gentle. He is always quick to apologize and to forgive. He always listens. He always loves.

Ryan is going to make the most amazing father. It takes my breath away to think of it. He will fill our child's life with love, understanding and magic. He will never judge him harshly. He will never be pushy or over-bearing. He will never lose his temper. And I can honestly say these things with complete confidence. He is going to be an amazing role-model; I do not worry about the kind of man Liam will become if he chooses to emulate his father. Our son is as blessed to have Ryan in his life as I am.

We are both so excited to fill this little boy's life with love, creativity, music, books, adventures, comfort, hugs, kisses, laughter, dancing, memories, and life. I want so much for him already that my heart is bursting with it all.

We know that there will be tears and heart-ache. We know we will sometimes miss the peace we now take for granted. We know there will be days when we feel like tearing our hair out and screaming. We know that we will make mistakes- big mistakes- COLOSSAL mistakes....

But we also know that our love for Liam will be stronger than this. I am a firm believer in the power of that love. There are so many choices a new parent has to make about how to raise their child. Priorities have to be set, values have to determined, and life-altering decisions have to be made... then made again, then made again and again and again as life shifts- throwing you into new situations before you even have a chance to adjust to the old ones.

We are all human. We all make mistakes and we all choose different paths in life; however, if every decision you make is made from your heart out of love for you child.. then I truly believe you can do him little harm.

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The Beginning

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.

- T.S. Eliot

When attempting to begin a running account of your life it is hard to know where to start. Do I start at the beginning? Do I start with today? I haven't got a clue...

Many films begin with a wide shot of a skyline or a sweeping shot of mountains and valleys... usually set to some Top 40 song of the moment. It is practically a staple of mainstream movies. This is used as an orientation for the viewer- so that he or she understands the location of the story.

Because location is important, you know.

So... I, for one, am located in Chattanooga, Tennessee. In my opinion it is quite a lovely place to live- a nice mixture of big city and small town. There is a lot to see and do and plenty of good old fashioned Southern hospitality. You should come and visit sometime.

I have lived here for approximately three years, since right after my 20th birthday when life was beginning to bore me. I moved here... met a boy and fell in love. We got married, adopted a schnoodle and moved into an apartment. Three months later we found out that we were going to have a baby so..... we panicked, which seemed to be the only logical thing to do.
We also bought a house.

But.. maybe there is a bit more to the story than that.

Our son is set to arrive on January 9th, 2010. This is ironically one day before our first wedding anniversary. His name is Liam Eliot, he is quite determined to make it to this world, and he is the most beautiful fuzzy, black and white profile I have ever laid my eyes on. He is also the only person on the planet that can kick me repeatedly in the gut and make me love him so much
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Ryan and I are young. We still have those stars in our eyes and great big dreams in our heads. We still listen to loud music, watch cartoons, pierce random body parts, and laugh when someone farts in public. And we still say words like "fart." Maybe we aren't ready for all of this... but I am not sure I have ever met anyone who was.

Life is taking us in a direction we never saw coming and there are ups and down and loops that make my stomach drop to my knees... but we are doing our best to enjoy the ride.

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