Oh, Happy Day

Cheerfulness is the very flower of health.
Proverb

So.. Can I just say that I absolutely LOVE living on the North Shore? Love it. It is absolutely perfect.

Chattanooga has to be one of the best places to raise a kid. Yesterday, I picked up Chattanooga Parent Magazine and was looking at all the free fall activities for kids coming up and got so freakin' excited! It is really incredible. This city is full of awesome opportunities for kids to explore and learn and play... and, as an added bonus, Liam and I will be able to walk to most of the awesome stuff we want to do. Seriously. I can't imagine a better place to be.

Ryan and I had a fantastic day yesterday. We don't generally get to spend large amounts of time together this semester because our schedules are entirely conflicting. When we realized that we had no commitments and could spend the entire day together, it was like...whoa.

We went to church and then headed over to the Hunter Art Museum. The first Sunday of every month is free, by the way; another awesome point for Chattanooga. (They also had live music- very cool.)

[As a side note, I would just like to say that I have discovered I appreciate art that takes what I will refer to as "actual talent." While I will admit that slapping some paint on a canvas and then coming up with an elaborate and pretentious meaning behind it that includes pain and/or isolation, an extensive vocabulary, and a good dose of "mommy issues" takes some measure of creativity, if I can go to any kindergarten classroom and see pieces at the same technical level... you lose. In other words- the temporary "New York Cool" exhibit sucked the big one. ]

After that, we headed home to eat lunch and watch a silly chick flick because my husband is a good sport. We then promptly fell asleep, woke up two hours later, realized we were starving, and met my best friend Caleb and his friend from school for dinner. We then got ice cream and watched Firefly for the rest of the night.

Yeah. It was basically the perfect Sunday. And exactly what we needed.

Also, I am surprised and happy to report that I have not been worried about Liam at all. I like to pretend he is doing his best to reassure his Mama because while he is usually fairly stubborn- moving only if and when he darn well pleases- he has been extremely active this weekend. My mom gave me a stethoscope so that I could listen to his heart and every time I have placed it on my tummy he gives it a prompt little kick so that even if I am unable to find his heartbeat, I know things are fine.

I have been taking my multivitamin religiously, along with the DHA supplements I never used. Fezzik and I have been walking to the park every day and I have been making myself eat copious amounts of fruits and vegetables- no more skipping meals! I am also refusing to stress.. which is actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. I honestly feel really good.

I should have let myself just be pregnant months ago instead of plowing on like nothing had changed. My mentality has definitely shifted. I have had an extremely easy pregnancy and I should be grateful for that. For the most part it has been an enjoyable experience and, instead of enjoying it, I have fabricated things to be upset about. But.. I can still enjoy the rest of it and I plan to.

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99

Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is still dark.
Rabindranath Tagore

Is it not interesting how the minute you resolve to do (or not do) a certain thing... you are immediately tested?

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I decided to stop giving into my fears concerning this pregnancy and Liam's health. Up until today those fears were completely unfounded- I was really worrying for nothing beyond what my own imagination created. And so, as life works, the minute I made the resolution, I have been faced with a real trial.

Today we were told that Liam Eliot is about 10 days behind schedule in growth. The doctor did not seem overly concerned and simply said they would be keeping a close eye on him from now on and asked me to return in three weeks. Of course, he did not say NOT to worry about it either... which I did not notice at the time, but which I now wish I had heard.

I am proud to report that I did not panic. I did not hyperventilate. I did not break down into tears. In fact, I still haven't. Though I have had to fight it back a bit.

I called my mother- who is a wonderful nurse, worked with mother/baby and in hospital nurseries for close to 20 years, and is quite educated about such matters- and asked her to remind me that everything is going to be fine. Which she did. She also reminded me that most people do not see their baby at every visit as Ryan and I have and so many times variations in growth rate would go undetected at such low levels.

I looked up some information... and it settled my mind a little on the matter. Nothing I read made slow growth seem like anything to be scared about- except at extremes. I did see that stress, lack of exercise, and poor nutrition can contribute so I have decided to make these things an absolute priority. And beyond that, I am just going to have faith- in three weeks my precious boy will be all caught up. He is going to be just perfect.

It is definitely a test. I am determined to pass it.
And I will take all the help I can get.

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Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

Of all the animals, the boy is most unmanageable.
Plato

Okay. So. Today... it has hit me like a ton of bricks just how HAPPY I am to be having a little boy.

I mean... Really. Freaking. Happy.

As I say on a regular basis: my life is complete sausage-fest. I spend the majority of my time with my husband and besides that, my best friend is a boy... in fact, most of my friends are boys, my only sibling is a boy, even all of our pets are male! The only women I spend consistent amounts of time with are my mother and... a three year old.

So when we found out we were pregnant (after the initial heart-stopping, jaw-dropping shock of it all wore off a bit) I was really, truly hoping for a girl. And people would say to me, "Oh. You don't really care do you? I mean... as long as it's healthy, right?" And I would say (or at least think in my mind while I nodded and smiled placidly), "Yes. Actually I do care. And if that makes me a horrible person, then so be it... because you are not the one who has to live with constant MAN PARTS floating around you all the time and never have anyone to turn to and say, 'Hey. Want to go shopping?' without getting a colossal eye roll unless you add, '... for video games, action figures and/or sports memorabilia' to the end. And while I understand that some woman have been trying for years to get pregnant and, once they do, they feel so blessed to be having a child that they really, honestly have no preference and I get that and I admire them- I am not one of those women so I really can not relate. I did not want for this at all in fact.. and so, I am sorry, but would it be so much to ask to be able to have a little girl I can paint toenails with and giggle with and play princesses with and all those fun little girl things that mommies and daughters do together?!"

Also, I do not remember a time in my life when I did not think that I would have a daughter first. Also, Ryan was convinced we were having a girl: mostly because he is logical to a fault and every, single member of his family on both sides as far back as anyone can remember has had a girl first. Also, I just really like little girl clothes.

However, about a month before we went in for the ultrasound, I began having dreams that we were having a little boy. And he was so precious and looked just like his daddy. I started to think that maybe, just maybe, a boy would not be so bad. Then I started to get pretty convinced we were having a boy.

By the time we walked into have the doctor's office, I would have been absolutely floored if there was nothing between that kid's legs.

And I was right.

Part of me was just so happy that he was alive and perfect and it really didn't matter- just like they said. Part of me was so thrilled for Ryan because the look of complete shock and amazement on his face as he realized that he was going to have a son was just gorgeous. But part of me was still disappointed. People kept asking me if I was disappointed and I would say no because that is what you are supposed to say.. but I was: it was like watching that little girl disappear.

Slowly, thoughts of that little girl that isn't to be were replaced by thoughts of the little boy that is... and I stopped caring about it at all. And then today, BAM- this overwhelming feeling of joy at the thought of having a little boy hit me out of nowhere. I am so in love with Liam now that if we were to go into our appointment tomorrow and be told that there had been a mistake, I would be really upset. I want him so much.

I partially have the baby boy I take of to thank for this- he will be a year old in a couple of weeks and has just hit his ultra-mega-super cute phase. It is my theory that between 10-18 months babies become the perfect little beings of adorable because they not only have to make up for the months of sleep deprivation they have just inflicted upon you, but they also have to give you something to make it through the terrible two's. And, boy, does this kid have it down.

It is like every little thing he does screams, "Look at how precious I am! You cannot resist my charm and you know it so you might as well give in and giggle with me as I throw colored pencils all over the floor, poop in your lap, chew on plastic lizards and eat dirt!" Because the minute he grins at you, wraps his arms around your legs, or lays his little head on your shoulder you melt and become a huge puddle of person.

Every time he gets up from his nap so warm and cozy and we sit together for a few quiet minutes and cuddle... I just get this warm and mushy feeling and, on those rare occasions when it isn't his full diaper squishing against me, it is the knowledge that my baby boy will soon be here and I will be able to cuddle with him and kiss his precious cheeks and watch him get into all sorts of mischief.

I have a feeling I will be a walking puddle for years.

Besides....little boy clothes are pretty stinkin' cute too.

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Home is Where...

A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built on love and dreams.

Here are a few *before* pictures of our new house. I still have not taken the *afters* because it isn't after quite yet! We still have a lot of work to do.

These were taken by my Daddy in mid-July; a couple of weeks before closing. After working on the house for so long, it is interesting to look back on how it started. Not to mention how my belly has grown during the last few months!

A view of the front- (the guy on the steps is our realtor, Clayton). Notice the massive trees growing through the porch and in the backyard.. which are not actually trees at all.. but weeds on steriods.

Here is the view from the front door- the kitchen is to the left and the living room is to the right. Please admire the fabulous color scheme: red hall, yellow living room, turquoise kitchen and BROWN trim. Le sigh. As one friend put it... it is like they were trying so hard to be trendy that they missed.

The kitchen- minus all appliances....

The bathroom- which after taking a couple of broken mirrors down we discovered had at one time been pepto-bismal pink.. but apparently, that was just TOO CRAZY... so they painted it white and included...

this lovely mural... and although the shower rod blocks her left hand, it must be mention that she is wielding a handgun. Yes, there is a pregnant mermaid with a handgun above the shower. Can it get much better?

This is the master bedroom- and the only room we did not paint. Yay!


And finally, le bebe's room- although the walls are white we found about 837 nails (along with many more holes where we assume nails used to be) in the walls- we think it must have been collaged at one point..I have never spackled so much in my entire life.

There are many more pictures of various nooks and crannies, but this is the basic idea. Much painting and repairing has ensued.. but there is still much to be done. Because we know that we will outgrow this house fairly quickly, we are not doing any major remodeling (though I have to admit I have moments when the Extreme Makeover bug hits me and I just want to gut the place). Most of the work is cosmetic and relatively shallow.. but it already looks so much better.

Sometimes, I walk around and it will hit me that this is the house our son will spend his early years in. I will just stare at the bathtub, picturing him splashing in it... or at the backyard, seeing Ryan and Liam running around, chasing the dog and laughing. This is our home- we are starting our family here.

The other day, I put the cleaning supplies in a cabinet above the space for the washing machine, rather than under the kitchen sink...

Because of the baby. That will be here. In a matter of months. AH!

It's all so crazy. When did I become a grown up?!

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Only When We Are No Longer Afraid

The LORD is for me; I will not fear... Psalm 118:6a

Throughout my life, my parents' faith has been a constant source of support and comfort. I have often relied on it when my own faith has failed. It is strange, I know... but even when I am not sure if God exists for me, I have never doubted that He exists for them. I know He will not let them down.

Since the moment I found out I was pregnant I have constantly battled with fear, doubt, and insecurity. It has certainly stolen a certain measure of my joy. I often cannot focus on the wonderful miracle that is happening within me because my mind is so preoccupied with worrying about the health of the baby. I have also kept myself from bonding with him out of fear of falling in love with someone I will never meet. I have been afraid to want him too much. Which is honestly ridiculous because even though he was such a surprise and I did not even know I wanted him... I have never wanted or loved anything more in my entire life.

Last night I went home to my mom and dad to ask for help. I have not been feeling Liam move strongly or consistently for days. While there is still an occasional poke or twinge that reminds me of those first early movements... I can hardly remember what those strong jabs I was experiencing last week feel like. So I find myself headed down the same road I have been up and down throughout this entire pregnancy. And to be perfectly honest... I am just... tired of it. My mind is tired of it. My body is tired of it. I did not feel like I could do this anymore.

When I got home, my dad and I started talking. He reminded me that I have battled with fear since I was a very small child. I would worry myself sick over things I had absolutely no control over- often ridiculous things that made absolutely no sense, like my parents dying in their sleep or whatever it was I imagined lurking behind the shower curtain when it was pulled closed.

When I expressed my exhaustion over this constant worrying about the baby... he made a very good point:

This is a battle I am going to have to fight for the rest of my life.
So I might as well get good at it.

If I keep giving into these insecurities, doubts and fears... I am going to live a pretty miserable existence. Liam Eliot is now a part of that existence; he was from the moment I saw that little pink line in the window of the test and he will be until the day I die- regardless of how long he is a part of my life.

The struggle with fear will not stop when they place Liam in my arms. It will not stop when he takes his first steps or goes to school for the first time or gets his driver's license... or goes to college.... or gets married....

I can't stop the fear from knocking on my door... but as my Daddy put it: That doesn't mean you have to accept the delivery.

When my mom and dad prayed for me, I realized how very familiar that sound was: they have been praying for me my entire life. They know exactly how I am feeling right now because they experienced it for the first time when they found out they were having me.... and they have relied on prayer throughout my entire life; trusting for my safety.

I don't want to be miserable. I want to enjoy every moment I have with my little boy... so I am determined to get good at this. I am not going to give in anymore.

Even though my folks and I don't see eye to eye on everything... I gotta say:: they are pretty darn smart.

My family at my brother's high school graduation in 2008

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Sweet Dreams

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

Leo J. Burke

So I have been M.I.A. due to the craziness that surrounds a move. But we have officially moved into our new house now... and I could not be more pleased. We are still getting unpacked and situated (and probably will be for some time) but I will definitely be posting some before and after pictures as soon as possible. We have been working on the house for so long that it feels like a miracle to actually be living there. Sleeping there last night was both strange and wonderful. But I must say... it is already feeling like home.

In other news, Ryan and I have started the daunting task of mentally preparing ourselves for a newborn. I think a lot of people tend to get so hung up on physically preparing their homes for the arrival of their little one that often their heads get neglected. Because this pregnancy caught us so off guard, I started to worry that this could easily be us.

All four of the kids I take care of were taught healthy sleeping/feeding patterns using the methods laid out in On Becoming Babywise. After watching it work consistently in four kids, I was pretty much sold.. but what completely sealed the deal was having a stranger walk up to me in a used bookstore, ask if I was expecting my first, and say, "Well, can I suggest you read Babywise? I have three kids- including a set of twins- and it really, really, really works!!"

Yep. That was it. Sign us up.

Attachment Parenting advocates beware- you are probably not going to like this book... and may find yourself occasionally offended. It is strongly against child-centered parenting. However, the calm, confident, happy kids I have watched it produce and had the pleasure of taking care of over the last five years cannot be argued with. It creates an environment that all members of the family can enjoy and it seems to greatly reduce the stress and exhaustion associated with being chained to an infant.

So, that is what is sitting on our night stand at the moment. With all of the craziness of the last few weeks we have not actually made it past the introduction... but we are planning to read it together over the next couple of months. While I am pretty familiar with the techniques, I wanted Ryan and I to go through the book together so that we are on the same page. I think being solely in charge of Liam Eliot's schedule would be an unnesessary stress. Plus... it sets a good precedent for moving forward in the future: making parenting decisions together.

As I have said before, the decisions a new parent has to make can be overwhelming. I think Liam is going to be raised with an ecclectic mix of parenting techniques as Ryan and I prioritize our lives and try to figure out what the hell we are doing (which I am not entirely sure can ever actually be achieved) ... but every decision we make will be made out of love for our son. We love him so much and want what is best for him.

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She's Got Style. She's Got Class.

In every girl is a goddess.

Francesca Lia Block

As I have mentioned before, I basically have the most amazing job in the universe. When I first started, it was just me and the boys...and my days were spent playing in dirt, talking about bugs, wrestling, chasing, tickling, catching balls, and working on my dinosaur roar. Even after their little sister was born, boy activities ruled on by sheer force of will; however, our days are now spent a little bit differently. With her brothers in school, my little princess revels in her girlishness.

Check out the kicks...

"'Chelle... It's a gurlwee day. Yet's go to my woom," she will often say almost immediately after hearing the garage door close behind her departing boys, "There is wots of pink fings to wook at."

So, our days are filled with pink.
We read pink books and use pink construction paper. We play with pink dolls in their pink clothes and put them in their pink dollhouse. We do our hair with pink ribbons.

We also do "wots of girl fings." Coloring in princess coloring books. Dancing and singing (and a fair amount of chasing and tickling- but in a girly way, of course) Oh, and.. we cannot forget dress-up- the dressing up the little one can do.

This little girl is so precious and loving. Everyone must be loved extensively before they leave her presence. She is my "diaper helpah," my "wunch (lunch) helpah," and, of course, my "cweeneen (cleaning) helpah." She has a soft heart, a fiesty spirit, and a sense of fashion second to none. Watch out, world!

She is always happy to see all "her boys" come home at the end of the day... and when they do, she can discuss bugs, wrestle, and play dinosaurs with the best of them, but I know she looks forward to our girl time. Maybe almost as much as I do.

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