Confession

I have a confession to make.

It is a shameful thing I am going to say... but it must be said:
Ladies and gentlemen... I, Michelle A. Haddock... am not... a coupon-er.

I tried! I really, truly did try! On Sunday afternoon, I sat down in front of the computer with the ridiculous number of coupons I have clipped in the last couple of weeks and went to southersavers.com. I was so excited! We were going to save money- lots and lots of money! I could envision the shopping trips in my mind: going up to the cashier with my neat pile of coupons, watching the dollars fly off the final tab, skipping out the door. I was never going to pay full-price for something I needed again. [There were going to be unicorns and butterflies. It was really spectacular!]

Only... that isn't what happened at all. Not one little bit. Instead I found myself pulling my hair out, biting my fingernails and begging the heavens, "WHY!?! OH, WHY?!" as I stared at a screen and watched the lists morph into foreign symbols my exhausted brain could not understand, while a little troll sat next to me and laughed an evil laugh. Okay.. maybe there was no troll- but I was picturing a troll. Which should tell you just exactly how much of a crazy person couponing turned me into.

After spending literally an hour to track down the right Colgate coupon to go with the right sale at the right supermarket... so that I could get it for a dollar, it suddenly dawned on me- I have ALWAYS gotten toothpaste for a dollar.. because I get it AT THE DOLLAR STORE. And sure, I could get some mustard for free and maybe a blood glucose monitor.. but I have mustard and I have a blood glucose monitor and free clutter is STILL clutter. I do not have a pantry. I do not have a deep freezer. In fact, we are really very limited in cabinet space too.. so buying six boxes of cereal just because I can get it for 33 cents a box just does not work for our family.

Sigh.

On top of this.. I like organic/local far too much to rely on the cheapest prices; just because something is free does not mean I want my family to put it in their mouths. And also, I LIKE TO COOK! I do not want to base my entire week's menu on the fact that I got four packs of chicken thighs for $1.99 a lb. and have to use them this week. I want to be creative- I want to see a recipe I like and get the ingredients and try it out and be happy. And also, time and sanity are both as precious as money goes as far as resources are concerned- both of which I completely lost the minute I sat down to try this couponing thing out.

AND ALSO! I took what little I did get done to the grocery store and spend $31.00 on about half of our week's grocery list. I saved around $10.00 using coupons, which seems cool; HOWEVER, I usually go to Aldi and get way more than half my list (excluding our local/organic purchases) for about $40.00.. so in the end I am probably not going to be saving a penny. Aldi rocks.

Conclusion: Coupons blow. Epic fail.

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Little Boy Loved

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy.
John Lennon

Liam may hold the title of "Most Smooched."

Like father, like son. [It can be slightly unnerving.]

He is my heart.

"It goes by so fast."
The one thing all parents urge you to remember as you start the journey down the well-worn path of parenthood. As Liam's 14th week on this planet comes to a close.. it is easy to see why. Every moment with a wee one is a moment you can never get back.


Here is to never taking it for granted.

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Hold Me Close

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.
Hippocrates

For the first 65 days of his life, Liam was touched on a schedule. This breaks my heart into a million pieces every time I think about it... so I try not to think about it too often. I know that it was "for his own good." I know that they say his underdeveloped nervous system could not handle too much stimulation, and, as the nurses reminded us constantly, I know that he would not have been touched at all had he still be in the womb. However, something must be said for the difference between being cradled in the warm waters of the womb verses rolled up blankets in a boxy isolette, further punctuated by the frequent cold, clinical touch of the medical staff, poking and prodding and stabbing him with needles.

...like I said... a million pieces.

This is where my absolute-most-favorite-baby-product-ever-in-the-entire-world-hands-down comes in.

Mine is called The Ultimate Baby Wrap by Parents of Invention. I got it on sale for about 25 dollars (including shipping) from BabiesRUs. And it is pretty much the most amazing 25 dollars I have ever spent. I wish I had been crafty enough to make my own, but alas... not yet- soon though... very soon!


Because of Liam's little windpipe.. we have to watch that his chin does not rest on his chest; it could very well cut off his ability to breathe and so.. a sling would not be a very good idea. In fact, I did not think I would be able to use even this wrap until Liam got to be a bit bigger but I found this video which gave instructions on a hold that is great for preemies because they are lying almost vertically and it supports their head. Liam has been spending copious amounts of time in his wrap ever since.


It calms him down almost instantaneously.. and as I walk around he often settles into a bizarre position that I can only assume he found comfortable in utero. If I do not want curious eyes (and the filthy hands that come with them) peering in at him, I simply pull the fabric together and he is protected. He is close to my heart, a place he did not get to be for long enough.. and we get some serious snuggling in.

My time to have him all to myself was cut too short and it will not be long before Liam is wiggling out of my arms, eager to explore the world.. so I am soaking this in. Enjoying every moment he spends in my arms. I think I can officially be labeled a baby-wearing mama.

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Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho....

You may or may not have noticed that I am posting less frequently... and there is a reason. There is a reason besides me being lazy, which, I will admit, I am quite capable of being.

Last week, I went back to work.
Let me just say.. It. Has. Been. HARD.

Have I mentioned how much I love my job? Oh, yes.. I believe I have.
Well, let me just mention it again: I have pretty much the most amazing job in the entire universe... taking care of pretty much the most amazing kids in the entire universe, and I would not trade it for anything in the entire world. When I am not at work I miss it terribly and can't wait to return and .. how many people can really say that?

However, I have to admit that I am struggling to find my rhythm this time around. Liam is an entirely different ball game; namely because he is mine. And also, he is quite tiny. And also.. he is quite demanding. And also.. he is mine.

It is much easier to say to a child who you are paid to care for and play with, "I'm sorry, love. But I can't [insert child's activity of choice here that must be done and must be done NOW or a little 2 year old brain may just very well explode] at the moment, I have to take care of your little brother/sister.." who you are also paid to care for and play with, but I am definitely battling some guilt when I have to turn down that game of Go Fish or princess tea-party to feed/change/cuddle my own little bundle of joy. Then I have to battle guilt of a different color when I walk by the room to hear my sweet one- who I do not want to feel another moment of discomfort or pain in his entire life because he has certainly had to endure enough in his short little life, thank you very much- in hysterics, but unable to go in and sooth him immediately because my arms are full of adorable squirming toddler and lunch needs to be made, diapers need to be changed, and noses need to be wiped- and OH, do not get my started on cross-contamination and the constant washing my poor dry, cracked hands have had to endure!

Have I mentioned it has only been one week? It has only been one week. And...to be fair, we survived it. Also, I know that I will settle into a routine soon, and that it will not be long before Liam is a little less fragile and a little more capable of joining in the fun. But, I have to say, it is certainly difficult to be a first-time mom and a care-taker of five simultaneously. Whew.

So I find myself in this unique situation; sort of a hybrid stay-at-home working mom.... and I am only working 2 days a week, but when I get home at the end of those two days I feel like I am about to collapse. So... I now have even more respect for working moms- you women are amazing!!

And I need to know... how do you do it?!

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3 Months

Liam is 3 months old today.
See how he grows?

Curious little bug.

My boys.

Pirate Face.

Feets.

Snuggles.

What an wonderful, terrifying, exhausting, utterly overwhelming and completely beautiful three months it has been. We are forever changed.

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The Homecoming

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
Franklin P. Jones

[Photo taken by Ryan Lee.]

Fezzik the Great has returned after a long absence. [He went to stay with my parents for a bit after Liam came home from the hospital.] We missed him a lot. A lot, a lot. The house just isn't the same without a schnoodle underfoot.

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Boobies

Whew... what a week.
Liam has had doctor's appointments, physical therapy, breastfeeding support group.. and today, his synagis shot. I am Worn. Out. Our pace the last couple weeks (a.k.a.- snail? sloth? corpse, perhaps?) has not prepared me for all this running around! I mean, Liam may be only five pounds and change... but the boy has some serious baggage. And he isn't the one lugging it around, now is he? Hopefully tomorrow will be a quiet, peaceful sort of day. I need to recover.

As a side note, we had some added excitement yesterday when Josh and Natalie's Nellie Rose joined the world. We will be popping by to see the family tonight. From pictures I can tell you- the child is gorgeous. I can already see the broken hearts she will leave in her path. Liam might very well be one of them.

Anyway... today, I had my first public breastfeeding experience. Liam was due to eat at 3:00.His pulmonology appointment was at.. guess when? Yep. 3:00. Of course.
Snug in his wrap he did not seem to notice that he was missing anything.. but then I had to strip him to his diaper for a weight check.. and then he was PISSED.

I waited. And waited. And bounced. And shhhed. And waited.
And gave up.
And whipped the boob out.
And Liam chowed down.

Of course, after 15 minutes of waiting for the nurse, she showed up 3 seconds after Liam started eating. I hate to interrupt him because we've had some latch issues (a.k.a.- Liam is lazy and wants his milk to pour blissfully into his mouth at the flick of his tongue. "Suckling? What is this suckling you speak of? Give me my food, woman!") but interrupt him I did and we got down to the synagis business.

Now.. I have watched them do some pretty serious stuff to my little one while he was in the hospital. And you would think that would desensitize me to the sight of a needle going into his thigh. But it didn't. At all. His wails broke my heart. Long after he stopped crying, (all of 5 seconds) I was needing cuddles. Liam was just needing more boob. So.. we found a bathroom because I do not yet have a nursing cover and Liam finished his meal.
Well, this got me thinking: how do you feel about public breastfeeding? I really have no problem with it; however, I personally would not nurse in public without a cover. While I am not exceptionally modest or anything and if I am in a place that I know it will not offend anyone, then I have no shame, I do not want to run the risk of making anyone uncomfortable. I feel that respecting other people is very important, regardless of whether or not I agree with them. I know this can be a pretty heated issue- some are offended by the sight of a baby with a boob in its mouth, others are offended that you would ask that the child be covered... but I am interested in your [civil] opinions.

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