Gulp

Blues means what milk does to a baby.
Alberta Hunter

[Note: the following post contains images of breastfeeding. Please navigate away from this page if you are offended by such images.]

Liam is breastfed..... Liam. Is. Breastfed.

I cannot begin to tell you how challenging the creation of that little three word sentence has been. Just seeing it on the screen makes me smile because there have been so many times I did not think--perhaps even knew-- that I would never be able to say it.

When Liam came early I had absolutely no working knowledge of premature babies. I knew he would be small and I knew he would have some pretty big obstacles to overcome. When doctors are attempting to convince you that slicing your two pound baby from your body 11 weeks early is the best thing to do... they do not tend to focus on those obstacles. They focus on survival rates (upward of 90%.. which is not nearly as close to 100% as it sounds when referring to your child) and on the awesome medical technology that is going to keep your baby alive. I never considered how this would affect my decision to breastfeed.

To be perfectly honest, I gave very little thought to breastfeeding while pregnant. It never occurred to me to weigh the pros and cons. I never stopped to ponder the challenges breastfeeding mothers face or wonder if it would be worth it. It just did not make sense to me to purchase food for my baby when my body produced food for him. That was basically the extent of my consideration and in the midst of the disaster that was Liam's birth, breastfeeding fell even farther from my mind. Had the lactation consultant not stopped by my room with some encouraging words and a breast pump, I do not think it would have even occurred to me that, at some point, this baby was going to be ready to eat.

For a couple of days after Liam was born I was not even allowed to sit up in bed. I wanted to pump because I was suddenly very aware that providing breast milk was basically the only thing I was able to do for Liam, but my blood pressure was too high. I was worried this would cause problems but on the third day they allowed me to sit up (it was also the day they allowed me to go see Liam for the first time) and I pumped a fair bit of colostrum. My milk soon followed.

At that point, I had no idea that for the next couple of months the pump would become my most intimate friend. We began meeting for a private encounter every 3 hours and the NICU freezer was soon filled with our labors of love. Liam was still exclusively on nutritional fluids but it made me feel good to know that when he was ready, my milk would be waiting for him.

Introducing Liam to food through his feeding tube was a slow and daunting process. We encountered several false starts before his body was ready, but once he got going, things went great. And then came the fateful day that my stockpile at the NICU dwindled to nothing, as did my milk supply. I was literally getting mere drops at every pumping and I just knew the end was near.

Liam was given formula for the first time and did not handle it well at all. Once again all feedings stopped, tests were done, ultrasounds were taken... and as I watched my sweet little one squeak in hunger (IV fluids do not fill empty tummies) I felt like I had a second chance. I spoke with the lactation consultant, bought a 64 oz water bottle, started taking fenugreek, and got a prescription for Reglan. I began pumping every 2 hours and slowly (very s-l-o-w-l-y) my supply returned and Liam was able to return to breast milk.

That was a happy day.. but not the end of our problems. Liam did great with bottle-feeding.. but putting him to breast was a challenge. He did not latch well and I was constantly worried I was starving him. When he came home, I was breast-feeding, pumping, and bottle-feeding every 2-3 hours and soon became exhausted. Once again, I thought our time was up. I was not producing enough to feed Liam and pump... so.. as a last ditch effort, I decided to try a 24 hour exclusive breastfeeding experiment and drop the bottles.

Liam started eating hourly and I was convinced every sound he made was due to hunger. It was extremely stressful. I started attending a weekly breastfeeding support group at Parkridge East and I know that I would have given up if I had not decided to do this. Both the knowledge of the lactation consultant and just hearing the other moms face similar obstacles and have the same concerns with their full-term babies, plus being able to weigh Liam weekly and see exactly how much milk he receives has been completely priceless. That support group, coupled with the advice I received from message boards and this blog, kept me going. And...we made it.


That isn't to say that we have not faced any more challenges; every time Liam's growth slows, every time the exhaustion from getting up every 2 hours starts to catch up with me... I get tempted to stop. Even just being aware that Liam will never really understand how hard it was to breastfeed him and listening to other moms who have made the decision to formula feed, always know that their little one is getting enough to eat and have the option of getting a little extra rest is difficult sometimes.

But then... Liam cries to let me know he is hungry. I settle down with him and watch him root around and latch like a pro, grunting in satisfaction as he drinks his fill. I stroke his little head, rub his little back and watch his little toes curl and uncurl. I think about the future: how I will watch this baby grow into a little boy.. and that little boy grow into a man. I think about the fact that this is the only time in his life that he will be solely dependent on me. Soon he will be squirming out of my arms and then he will be too big for my arms at all. I think about the antibodies he missed out on by entering this world before he was ready and how my breast milk is providing a little extra protection; how this is still something I can do for him...and how hard I have worked to come this far-- what a shame it would be to give up now. I think about these quiet moments that are shared just between Liam and me.. and I know I would not give them up for the world.

Liam gained 8.4 oz this week. That is his largest gain since coming home from the hospital. He is growing so fast. Every ounce he puts on feels like a job well done.

And...I cannot help but pat myself on the back... just a little.

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Quiet Time

All is quiet on the Liam front. We are simply awaiting his Thursday morning test results which will let us know if his CRP levels are low enough for him to come home. If they are, he will be joining us that afternoon!

I am heading down to Georgia to spend some time with my dear McKenzie and stay the night with my parents. It will [hopefully] be the last time I can just up and go to Georgia. Soon... life will revolve around one very little man with one very big personality....

and an appetite to match!

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Interesting. Very Interesting.

Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.
Eliza Tabor

Oh, life... why do you mess with me so?

Ryan and I thought we would be getting a little Christmas miracle. I was so excited to tell you about it! Liam was all set to be discharged on Christmas Eve. We roomed in Wednesday night and everything went swimmingly... until 5 a.m.

Liam's temperature dropped to about 95 degrees and would not come back up until he was under the warmers. I personally believe it has something to do with the room being too cold and the nurse stripping him to his diaper for 10 minutes while she weighed him.. but what do I know? They did some tests and his CRP (otherwise known as c-reactive protein) was way elevated, which indicated that he may have an infection. (It could also be caused by his vaccinations but, coupled with the temperature drop, it freaked everyone out.) They started him on antibiotics, stopped his feedings, and gave him a blood transfusion (his red blood cell count was a bit low; not crazy low.. just a bit). They also did a lumbar puncture to see how his spinal fluid was looking.

And I... cried.

48 hours later his tests were all still negative and his CRP levels had dropped from 4.0 to 1.8; however, they like the levels to be under 1 so he will be on 7 days of antibiotics "just to be safe".... although they have no idea what they are saving him from. They will re-evaluate the situation on the 31st and we will find out if Liam will be coming home for New Year's.

Liam, on his part, has not acted sick in any way. He is as feisty as ever... and still loves to eat. He is gaining weight (4 lbs, 3 oz!) and being cute.

Perhaps Liam just couldn't stand to leave his ladies for the holidays.

Ryan and I are doing our best to find the bright side: a little more time under the close watch of the neonatologists and nurses won't hurt Liam. It will give him a chance to gain a little more weight and be a little less fragile before coming home. Also, if his body is fighting something off, he is in the best place he can be. And we have a little more time to prepare, a few more quiet days to be together and a few more full nights of sleep before life is invaded by our little gremlin.

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In Case of Emergency

It's queer how ready people always are with advice in any real or imaginary emergency, and no matter how many times experience has shown them to be wrong, they continue to set forth their opinions, as if they had received them from the Almighty!
Ann Sullivan

Ryan's lovely great-aunt Judy brought back a fabulous gypsy-ish bag from India and I happened to become the recipient. I love it a lot.


In my travels back and forth from the NICU, it has become my costant companion. Inside you will find:

1. My laptop (an acer netbook that we affectionately refer to as "Ruby")
2. A camera (to catch all of Liam's adorableness)
3. The cable to the camera (to immediately download said adorableness onto said laptop and share)
4. Notebooks (for notes... and grocery lists... and the like)
5. Books (currently Homemade by Reader's Digest as well as Anne of Ingleside- the sixth book in the Anne of Green Gables series, which you can actually read in its entirety here. Oh, how I love Anne Shirley.)
6. Chapstick (currently Badger Organic Cocoa Butter Lip Balm in Lime Rocket)
7. Granola Bars, water mix-ins, and my way awesome water bottle (saving the planet- one sip at a time!)
8. A flash drive+ mp3 player (in one!)
9. My phone (self-explanitory, I believe)

Soo.. I am pretty much set to go. I am sure many other preemie moms had their own version of a survival tote....

However..... I may not be needing my tote much longer.
Hmm.....


Tune in soon for some VERY EXCITING NEWS!!

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Another First

It's when ordinary people rise above the expectations and seize the opportunity that milestones truly are reached.

Liam Eliot tends to be a rather messy eater... so today, after he dribbled a fourth of his bottle down the front of his shirt, I decided to change his clothes by myself.. for the very first time.

Dirty.

A brief pause for nude shots, of course.

Clean!

I did my very best and Liam was quite patient with me. He watched me solomnly without so much as a peep.

The look on his face tells me Liam is realizing what a klutz he has for a Mama.


But I think he loves me anyway.

I wish I could share every single picture I take of him with you- they all (all 178 of them.. each visit) turn out so precious. I would if it would not totally crash your browser.. and if I didn't know I am the only one who can truly appreciate the 57th shot of him playing with his hands.

Each new experience is a small reminder that our little one will be coming home soon. Sooner than I ever expected really. Today Liam is 3 lbs, 12 oz. and his doctor is letting him bottle-feed at every other feeding. He nurses during his gavage feedings and he is great at both. (The tape on his nose is to keep his feeding tube in place- he managed to pull it out a few times a day, so they got a bit more aggressive with the adhesive). The biggest news is that they are stopping his caffeine therapy because he has not had any serious spells since the 14th! If he does well without the caffeine we could have him home... *drumroll please* by NEW YEAR'S! And that is without monitors or medication.

What a beautiful way to start 2010.

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I'm a Big Kid Now

Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments.
Rose Kennedy

Well, my professor made a big mistake: he gave us another day to work on our papers... therefore enabling my natural procrastinating nature. However, I am still only one day away from graduation- of course... my own graduation has been completely and totally trumped but a wee little man we all know and love:

Liam's thinking outside the box!

I mean... really.. how do you expect me to do school work when I have this to stare at?:


And it is so much easier now that I do not have to peer at him through thick plastic.
And it is so much more enjoyable than staring at a screen wringing my brain for a few more sad drops of knowledge on Robert Lowell. [Who I do not know nor love.]

True story.

Liam's world: Now weighing a whopping 3 lbs 6 oz, Liam is sleeping in a big boy bed [as you can see]. He gets to wear teeny, tiny clothes and use his very own blankets! Tomorrow his run of antibiotics for that nasty yeast infection will be through... but he has now started some oral meds for elevated... something or other... caused by prolonged use of who knows what. [Does not asking 562 questions about medical procedures I have no hope of understanding make me a bad mother?] He had to have his 4th blood transfusion this afternoon but has been off his cannula for a couple of days and so far handling it well. And.. *drumroll please* has been cleared by the doctor to try breastfeeding!

Oh..... and he does precious, squishy things like this:

And makes his Mama and Papa so very happy.

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and He really, really, REALLY loves me.

So.. remember last post when I talked about finding Liam's crib set for $15.00 and how awesome it was and how it seemed like that was pretty much the greatest thing EVER?!

Well... scratch that.

It cannot be the greatest thing ever because the greatest thing ever just happened to me. Right now. Right this very minute.

For real this time.

Tonight......

I held Liam. I really and truly held him.... for a very long time.


I started to type out the whole story- how the nurse was so surprised and a bit angry that no one had let me hold him yet and how light he was in my arms and how he just stared at me quietly until he drifted off to sleep... but then I realized that I like that it is my story. I did not have a camera and no one was there to watch me.. and I am so glad. I am glad that it was just me and him in that quiet corner of the hospital. It is a memory that I will always have all to myself- one that I will relive often when I am cleaning his skinned knees, and wiping his runny nose, and kissing him good-night. It is what I will remember the first time he goes to school... and when takes a girl to a dance...and drives off in his first car.. and goes to college and.... when I kiss him on his wedding day.. and the first time I hold his baby.

It will always just be me and him in the quiet corner of the hospital.

Best. Day. Ever.

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Breathe, Little One

Breathing is the greatest pleasure in life.

Giovanni Papini

It appears that Liam too is wondering what in the world is going on! (Excuse the quality of these pictures- they were taken on my phone.) Yesterday, he started breathing too quickly so they did a chest x-ray which came back "hazy" [quite the technical terminology]. He is back up to 4 liters of oxygen and has started "chest compression therapy" to move the fluid around and prevent pneumonia.

I found some information on lung problems in premature infants here and, of course, Liam, being very white and very much a boy, is at a greater risk for lung complications.

I think the hardest part is that every little complication, every time Liam has a set-back, it extends the time before he will be able to come home. When these things happen everyone assures me that he will be fine... and I appreciate the words of comfort because I want more than anything else for him to be fine. But, on a very selfish level, I also want him home! I want to be able to hold him. I even just want to see him graduate to the back row, make it into an open bassinet and be considered a feeder/grower, and not just for his sake [though mostly, of course, for his sake] but also for my own sake...because I hardly remember what it feels like to take a deep breath anymore. Living your life on pins and needles is hard. And kind of pointy.

Every time we walk in and his oxygen has gone up or he has had a large residual or whatever the case may be, I watch the 6 weeks stretch to 8... then to 12...and so on. I am already so sick of the NICU and we have only been there for 22 days. There are babies stuck there for 222 days. And obviously, I would take the 222 days over the alternative if it is necessary... but I just get so very tired thinking about it. Big. Fat. Sigh.

Okay.. I am now choosing to stop all this negativity. On the other side of things, watching Liam transform from fetus to baby before my very eyes is pretty amazing. Of course, I would much rather NOT be watching it while it happens inside of me but since I have no other choice, I have to say.. it is really cool. He has gone from this wrinkled, tiny, pink, sleeping lump of a thing to an active, alert and not so wrinkled [but still very tiny] baby... in a mere 3 weeks! It is incredible.

For instance, the banner at the top of this blog was taken 3 days after Liam was born. It is already ridiculously out of date. He looks completely different. It is rather amazing.


He is also becoming much more aware of his surroundings and in one nurse's words, quite the busy-body. He is constantly yanking at his tubes and wires. He managed to pull his feeding tube completely out the other day and I swear I saw a look of satisfaction on his little face... until, of course, it was shoved right back down his throat- and then... he was PISSED.

His little hands are into everything. He also makes sure everyone is aware of how he feels about things- his night nurse told us that he is starting to get very mad when they mess with him because he has been messed with so much. He also fusses when his diaper is dirty because little princes' bottoms should not suffer contact with such filth for even the briefest of minutes, you know.

He has learned to suck!! And works a pacifier like a rockstar. [Yes, that massive one in the picture above. Except it isn't really massive at all. It just looks massive in comparison to his peanut head. And it's all vanilla scented and fancy.] He also tries very hard to make eye contact with whoever is talking to him... on the rare occasions he can be bothered to wake up enough to listen, that is.

Yesterday, I walked in and peeked into his isolette to find him staring at the ceiling with a look of wonder on his face. I sat next to him for a long time, just watching his eyes wander around the room, taking in all this sensory input that he would not be experiencing in the womb. His arms waved...his feet kicked. He opened his mouth- he closed his mouth. He pulled on his ears. He blinked and winked and rolled his eyes. Finally, he scrunched up his face and pitched a fit... or, you know, a squeak. [All of that cuteness was actually just Liam's way of filling his diaper.] So I changed him and talked to him and loved on him as best as I could... and he watched me the entire time with his big, dark eyes.

If you are pregnant... take a moment to be completely amazed that this is happening inside of you. All of these things I am watching Liam learn, your little one is learning before he or she is even born! It is almost unbelievable.

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The Gift of Life

Just as the body cannot exist without blood, so the soul needs the matchless and pure strength of faith.
Mahatma Gandhi

Liam needed his third blood transfusion yesterday afternoon. The infection he is fighting seems to be making it difficult for his little body to create blood cells. He is AB+. [Like ME! As I very smugly pointed out to Ryan- he may have inherited the shell from his Papa, but inside- he is just like his Mama! Oh... Lord help us.]

Just taking a nap while LIFE is injected into his hand.

Ryan picked up some information last night and learned that this is basically the best blood type to have because it is compatible with any other type- he can get blood from pretty much anyone. I am not cleared to donate yet (after losing so much blood during surgery) so Ryan is going to donate soon... but hopefully, Liam will not need another transfusion. That would be awesome. Because although it is a good thing... and kind of a miracle that we can even go around giving new blood to people at all, it is still hard to watch. Mostly because I just want him to be better now, thank you.

In spite the transfusion and a slight dip in weight [ 2 lbs 7.3 oz to 2 lbs 6.4 oz- probably because he has been off feedings for three days] Liam had a really good day yesterday. They took him off the ventilator and when we came to visit around 9 he was still completely stable. His nurse said that she can tell he is feeling better because he is getting back to his feisty self. They had to give him a little 'night-night' medicine to keep him from trying to yank all his wires out [That's my boy!] I promptly inquired about whether or not we would be getting some of that stuff to take home. But, alas... as parents we cannot drug our child for being too active. Who came up with that rule?

As you can see from this picture to the left, Liam has transitioned into big boy pants- he was peeing out of the micro-preemie diapers, so although these Pamper Preemies are kind of ridiculously large on him, he is sporting them, nonetheless. I have informed him not to get too comfortable though- he will be heading into cloths as soon as he is home.

Also, to give you a more comparable idea of Liam's size [because it is really hard to tell from pictures].... note the toes. Now, take a look at the picture below:


The first joint on your finger is called the distal interphalangeal joint (and no, I did not make that up.) It is called this because the first section of your finger is called the distal phalanx (the little sections of your fingers deserve names too, you know!).

So... all of Liam's 5 perfect little toes line up along my distal phalanx- stopping directly at my distal interphalangeal joint. Take a look at your own and marvel at the craziness.

He is a wee little man.

And a wink for Mama.
[One of the many, many, many fails from yesterday's attempt to get a picture of Liam with his eyes open.. but, it was all worth it for that crossed-eye cuteness I shared with you in the last post.]

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Oh, So Quickly

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness.

You have to catch it yourself.
Benjamin Franklin

I promised myself I would post something every morning.. so, here I am- even though I cannot yet post what I actually want to post: my very first ever picture of my gremlin with his eyes open!

I took it yesterday at his 4 o'clock hands on time. I got his temp, changed his diaper, and put lotion on his poor little legs which were super dry from being out of his incubator a couple days ago [he was having a ton of "spells" and they needed to be able to get to him faster]. He was awake the whole time. With the ventilator in, he cannot cry anymore.. so he was doing his best to make it clear with his eyes that he was not too pleased with this string of events. He is obviously not very fond of his artificial lungs either- he kept grabbing the tube and trying to move away from it. The ventilator is so heavy that it weighs down his little head and he cannot move- I am sure that is an uncomfortable feeling. I told him it is up to him- if he would get his lungs in order he would not have to deal with it anymore... and I swear... somehow... he has already mastered the teenager glare.

I got a fantastic picture of him looking directly at the camera [slightly cross-eyed, but hey- give the kid a break... focusing is not usually on the agenda at -8 weeks old.] He is furrowing his brow and looks exactly- and I mean EXACTLY- like his Papa. It is slightly ridiculous. I will have to post a comparison picture eventually so you can all ooh and ahh at the outrageous resemblance. It makes me so very happy. Unfortunately, I cannot upload the cuteness until tonight... so you will all just have to wait.

I really love being able to go see him whenever I want to. I am going to be leaving here in a little while for his 12:00 hands on.. and then I will probably just find a place to stash myself until his 4:00. It makes a huge difference in how I feel about the entire situation. Also, I finally remembered to ask what criteria Liam had to meet before we would be able to hold him and we were told that usually it is just after they hit 1000 grams, but since Liam is not feeling so good, it would probably be better to wait a bit... and maybe get him off the ventilator. So, that gives us something to look forward too.

Anyway, I accomplished my goal for yesterday and came up with a schedule... Of course, today I am already 24 minutes BEHIND that schedule.. but at least I have one to mess up. Oh, and also- RYAN FIXED THE SHOWER!!!! Glory, Hallelujah! The water was running lukewarm at best.. and I like my water to be just short of scalding, so it was horribly depressing. But, Ryan fixed it and I took the most gloriously hot shower last night- I came out pink and wrinkled and happy. I woke up this morning thinking it was all a dream but it was not and no matter what happens in life, it is easier to deal with when you can come home to a hot shower.

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I Need You So Much Closer

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Wow. People say that life is a roller coaster... and I don't think I have ever been hit with the truth of that statement until now. We can go from elation to fear in mere hours and I have to admit that my emotions are getting just a wee bit fried. Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE roller coasters?!

On Friday, Liam was doing absolutely fantastic on 1 liter of oxygen so they decided to take him completely off his cannula. They told me when I called to check on him around noon. Because I cannot drive yet, I was going to have to wait to go to the hospital but I was so excited to see his little face without that breathing tube. I called back around 8:30 that evening... and they told me that he didn't make it; his heart rate started dropping and he was huffing and puffing so they put him back on the oxygen. They put him at 2 liters but that didn't cut it so he had to go back up to 3. They were doing blood work and a chest x-ray to see what went wrong.

His chest x-ray just showed that he lost some lung volume and his blood work came back clean so we took a deep breath and relaxed. We were assured repeatedly that this is just a preemie thing- they might play this game for a few weeks before coming completely off oxygen.

By Saturday, he was back at 2 liters of oxygen but his respiratory rate was rather accelerated. They were keeping a close watch on him and never felt that it was enough to warrant putting him back up to 3 liters so we were feeling grateful for that. He was still gaining weight and looking good so we went home Saturday night feeling settled again.

At noon on Sunday we walked into the NICU and received a very different story. The nurse was standing over Liam's isolette and immediately asked if we had been called by the doctor or nurse practitioner- not a good sign. My heart completely sank.

The nurse explained that Liam is requiring more oxygen, his heart rate is up, and there is green discharge coming from his tummy again. They stopped feedings and had ordered another contrast x-ray for this morning. We still haven't heard the results of the tests. He was headed for the x-ray when Ryan called a few minutes ago. Up. Down. Up. Down. Loops. Twists. Turns... and we are only at the beginning.

One thing that I am having a difficult time swallowing is the nurses' insistence that touching Liam is not good for him. My mother came up to visit yesterday with one of her pastors- we went in to see Liam and he was WIDE awake. I have never seen him so alert and curious. He was looking all around and when I would talk to him he would turn his head and look right into my eyes. It was amazing. Occasionally, he would lose focus and his little eyes would cross and he would make the funniest face. He can usually only make it for a few minutes before sleep claims him again but we were there for over half an hour and he was bright-eyed the whole time. I wanted to love on him so much while he was awake, but the nurse told me that he did not need to be touched because she thinks he is getting sick and to just leave him alone. I have to tell you.. I have only been a mom for a few days and I have not even really had the chance to be a mom in the true sense of the word...but it is still difficult to listen to someone else tell me what to do with my child, especially when I am not sure I agree.

I had recently read this study which talks about the different types of touch preterm infants receive and how it seems to affect their well-being. We have been told that stroking Liam provides too much stimulation to his fragile nervous system; however, when we go during our "hands on" time we are encouraged to "cradle" him by placing our hands gently on him without stroking or rubbing. This study seems to back up this type of touch. It goes on to say that the medical touch that preterm infants receive most frequently (during medical procedures and such) can have negative affects. The problem is that Liam only has 4 "hands on" periods a day... and we are usually only able to make it to one or two of them. Two happen while Ryan is at work and one is at midnight. The only one we make consistently is the one at 8:00 p.m. and often we don't even get the chance to touch him because someone assumed we weren't coming and already took care of it. When we do make it, we take his temperature, change his diaper, wipe his mouth and then have a few minutes to love on him before closing him back up in his little box. Once I am able to drive again [WEDNESDAY!!], I will certainly be there more frequently during the day... but for now the majority of the touch my baby is receiving is cold, clinical, medical touch that cannot possibly be doing him any good. And then when I am able to be there, if it is even five minutes after their set time, I am told not to touch my own child. It just makes me angry.. and I have to remind myself to retract the claws because it does no good to kill the messenger. The nurses are just doing their jobs. But his heart rate and respiratory rate slow down whenever our hands are on him; everything in me disagrees... and sometimes I just want to scream at someone to BACK THE HELL OFF and give me a minute with my baby.

Okay. Thank you. I just needed to get that off my chest. Moving on....

I found this video online today. At the end it says something about a NICU baby's health regressing before it gets better.. and how this is normal. Every time the doctor tells us something new I ask, "Is this normal?" and they say yes. Everything Liam has faced so far is normal for a preemie of his size and gestational age. I also found this article about a miracle baby. I hold onto things like these to keep myself from losing it every time we hear a not-so-great report. We are not alone- other families have faced this. They made it. He will make it. It is normal. Normal. Normal. Normal.

I want so much to be able to look at all of this as a lesson in patience and courage and faith... and to know that we will overcome this and it will soon be a distant memory. I am really trying.

Normal.

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The Motherload

Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.
Anonymous

One day, Liam will fill his diaper and Ryan and I will look at each other with fear in our eyes and begging on our lips: "Please! Please, please, please, please, please--- will you take care of this one?! Please! It is totally your turn. No, it's yours. No, it's yours. I'll do the dishes. Please!"

But for now we both really look forward to diaper changes. The hospital only allows a couple of "hands on" times a day. Sick babies are sick and need their rest.. and the little ones like Liam just were not counting on any cuddle time for a couple more months. [And trust me, our little one makes it perfectly clear how he feels about losing out on his alone time.]

So, taking Liam's temperature, changing his diaper, and wiping his mouth are the few ways that we can be involved in his care at the moment. And, for now...we really enjoy it.

At first the entire situation was really intimidating. I mean, I can change a baby's diaper with one hand. I have changed diapers in some very strange places and with some very interesting distractions. I have experienced blow-outs, blow-ups, spill-overs, and (my favorite) the pee-out. [For those of you who do not have any experience with little boys, this occurs when boy parts are pointed up and the baby pees all over his own shirt- leaving the diaper completely dry. It's like a magic trick!]

But I have to say I have never in my life changed the diaper of a 2 pound baby. His diapers, which are still too big for him, are smaller than most doll diapers. Add in all the wires and tubes and his little bird bones and you have a situation that left me, the diaper queen, practically hyperventilating. [Ryan, on the other hand, handled it without flinching. He is always surprising me. I love that man.]

It only took a couple of times for me to get used to it.. and, as an added bonus, it seems like the Gremlin is getting used to it as well; at least, he did not squeak through the entire experience last time... He is a wiggly little thing, but if he isn't crying, it keeps you from feeling so panicky and rushed.

I guess I can add "through the arm holes of an incubator" to my list of strange.

The boy needs to get some meat on his thighs..... Hey, I have some to spare!

I am taking that as a yawn of approval.

Last night, Liam "graduated" to the back row. He is in a new isolette and will now be allowed 3 visitors at a time. His color is looking better every day. He is gaining weight- 950 grams as of yesterday, only 20 grams below his birth weight! He is back on continues feedings, digesting well so far, and is down to 1 liter of oxygen. In spite of being warned repeatedly that he would probably have to bounce back to a ventilator, he has yet to do so- in fact, he is moving in the other direction. And.. he is a world-class pooper.

Things are looking pretty good today.

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Week One Down

The only reason for time is so everything doesn't happen at once.

Albert Einstein

Well, we have made it through our first full week. It is really amazing how quickly your brain shifts. Liam has been on the planet for seven days, every moment of it spent in this hospital, and already our lives would feel empty without that tiny little being in it.

There is still no word on when I will be released. I was given a glimmer of hope yesterday when the doctor mentioned the possibility of going home today..but it does not look like he is satisfied with my blood pressure yet. Today he has increased my medication again; I have never taken so many pills in my entire life. I have lost count of the exact number but it is upwards of 15 a day.

Occasionally, I have the urge to look up the diseases that I have since I have no working knowledge of them really... but then I remind myself that knowledge is not always power- sometimes, it only serves to terrify you. Maybe I will try to learn a little bit more after this is all over.

Dr. Story came by last night with her medicine bag and made me feel all better.

The same has been true for Liam's situation. Some preemie support groups and other resources have been suggested to me... but I cannot bring myself to get involved. Every baby is different- a fact the nurses remind us of every day- and the few times I have ventured online to look up preemie information, I end up stumbling on some story that leaves my heart racing. Liam is doing really great, but there is still a long road ahead of us, and many obstacles that could come along. We do not know what the future holds or how his rough start will affect him in the long run. I just do not need to be anticipating complications- whatever is going to happen will happen and we will deal with it when it comes.

As for today: he is looking good. He has a contrast x-ray scheduled for 4:00 to see if anything is going on with his little tummy because he started having some feeding issues. However, he has started gaining weight again and is back up to an even 2 pounds. He sleeps soundly on his belly and his color is looking great.

Holding Mama's hand for a brief minute before pushing her away. He definitely requires copious amounts of alone time. [I wonder where in the WORLD he got that from. Heh....]

I am pretty much obsessed with his feet and tooshie. I must have taken 20 pictures of each this afternoon. Ryan went back to work today so I went to the NICU for the first time alone. The nurse had already taken care of his diaper and tempurature, which was fine because they moved my IV into the inside nook of my left elbow [there is an actual medical term for this space which my mother rattled off when I complained about the IV being put here.. but I can't remember it]. This makes it pretty much impossible to bend my arm. So.. I just sat and stared at him; I am most definitely smitten with my little man.

I was also able to hold him for a few minutes the other day while his bed was changed. It was utterly terrifying. He was upset and wiggly and there are so many wires and tubes. I was afraid to breathe on him and have to admit to a sigh of relief when the nurse took him back. However, it has been indicated that after he is through with his contrast x-rays, holding him will become a regular part of our routine.. so it is something we are going to have to get used to. It will be Papa's turn next. He has done great with taking Liam's tempurature and changing his diaper so I think he will be just fine with holding him- if his attitude so far is any indication, he will probably handle it better than I did.

By the way... Ryan and I feel so blessed by our friends and family- we have received so much encouragement and help since this all began. It's amazing. Every single message, comment, text and phone call is so appreciated- it makes such a difference even if we aren't able to get back to everyone. We love you all. Thank you so much.

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