Gulp

Blues means what milk does to a baby.
Alberta Hunter

[Note: the following post contains images of breastfeeding. Please navigate away from this page if you are offended by such images.]

Liam is breastfed..... Liam. Is. Breastfed.

I cannot begin to tell you how challenging the creation of that little three word sentence has been. Just seeing it on the screen makes me smile because there have been so many times I did not think--perhaps even knew-- that I would never be able to say it.

When Liam came early I had absolutely no working knowledge of premature babies. I knew he would be small and I knew he would have some pretty big obstacles to overcome. When doctors are attempting to convince you that slicing your two pound baby from your body 11 weeks early is the best thing to do... they do not tend to focus on those obstacles. They focus on survival rates (upward of 90%.. which is not nearly as close to 100% as it sounds when referring to your child) and on the awesome medical technology that is going to keep your baby alive. I never considered how this would affect my decision to breastfeed.

To be perfectly honest, I gave very little thought to breastfeeding while pregnant. It never occurred to me to weigh the pros and cons. I never stopped to ponder the challenges breastfeeding mothers face or wonder if it would be worth it. It just did not make sense to me to purchase food for my baby when my body produced food for him. That was basically the extent of my consideration and in the midst of the disaster that was Liam's birth, breastfeeding fell even farther from my mind. Had the lactation consultant not stopped by my room with some encouraging words and a breast pump, I do not think it would have even occurred to me that, at some point, this baby was going to be ready to eat.

For a couple of days after Liam was born I was not even allowed to sit up in bed. I wanted to pump because I was suddenly very aware that providing breast milk was basically the only thing I was able to do for Liam, but my blood pressure was too high. I was worried this would cause problems but on the third day they allowed me to sit up (it was also the day they allowed me to go see Liam for the first time) and I pumped a fair bit of colostrum. My milk soon followed.

At that point, I had no idea that for the next couple of months the pump would become my most intimate friend. We began meeting for a private encounter every 3 hours and the NICU freezer was soon filled with our labors of love. Liam was still exclusively on nutritional fluids but it made me feel good to know that when he was ready, my milk would be waiting for him.

Introducing Liam to food through his feeding tube was a slow and daunting process. We encountered several false starts before his body was ready, but once he got going, things went great. And then came the fateful day that my stockpile at the NICU dwindled to nothing, as did my milk supply. I was literally getting mere drops at every pumping and I just knew the end was near.

Liam was given formula for the first time and did not handle it well at all. Once again all feedings stopped, tests were done, ultrasounds were taken... and as I watched my sweet little one squeak in hunger (IV fluids do not fill empty tummies) I felt like I had a second chance. I spoke with the lactation consultant, bought a 64 oz water bottle, started taking fenugreek, and got a prescription for Reglan. I began pumping every 2 hours and slowly (very s-l-o-w-l-y) my supply returned and Liam was able to return to breast milk.

That was a happy day.. but not the end of our problems. Liam did great with bottle-feeding.. but putting him to breast was a challenge. He did not latch well and I was constantly worried I was starving him. When he came home, I was breast-feeding, pumping, and bottle-feeding every 2-3 hours and soon became exhausted. Once again, I thought our time was up. I was not producing enough to feed Liam and pump... so.. as a last ditch effort, I decided to try a 24 hour exclusive breastfeeding experiment and drop the bottles.

Liam started eating hourly and I was convinced every sound he made was due to hunger. It was extremely stressful. I started attending a weekly breastfeeding support group at Parkridge East and I know that I would have given up if I had not decided to do this. Both the knowledge of the lactation consultant and just hearing the other moms face similar obstacles and have the same concerns with their full-term babies, plus being able to weigh Liam weekly and see exactly how much milk he receives has been completely priceless. That support group, coupled with the advice I received from message boards and this blog, kept me going. And...we made it.


That isn't to say that we have not faced any more challenges; every time Liam's growth slows, every time the exhaustion from getting up every 2 hours starts to catch up with me... I get tempted to stop. Even just being aware that Liam will never really understand how hard it was to breastfeed him and listening to other moms who have made the decision to formula feed, always know that their little one is getting enough to eat and have the option of getting a little extra rest is difficult sometimes.

But then... Liam cries to let me know he is hungry. I settle down with him and watch him root around and latch like a pro, grunting in satisfaction as he drinks his fill. I stroke his little head, rub his little back and watch his little toes curl and uncurl. I think about the future: how I will watch this baby grow into a little boy.. and that little boy grow into a man. I think about the fact that this is the only time in his life that he will be solely dependent on me. Soon he will be squirming out of my arms and then he will be too big for my arms at all. I think about the antibodies he missed out on by entering this world before he was ready and how my breast milk is providing a little extra protection; how this is still something I can do for him...and how hard I have worked to come this far-- what a shame it would be to give up now. I think about these quiet moments that are shared just between Liam and me.. and I know I would not give them up for the world.

Liam gained 8.4 oz this week. That is his largest gain since coming home from the hospital. He is growing so fast. Every ounce he puts on feels like a job well done.

And...I cannot help but pat myself on the back... just a little.

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How Do I Love Thee...

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
Author Unknown

There is a good chance that Valentine's Day was created solely for my entertainment. I am wild for all things cheesy.. and, let's face it, Valentine's Day is one of the cheesiest.

Cheesy.. but, oh, so fun.

Today, Ryan and I celebrated with pink frosted cinnamon twists and cuddles watching Netflix in bed until 1:00 p.m. (with baby and puppy to complete the love-fest, of course). It was the perfect day.

However, last night my sweet valentine surprised me with a dinner cruise on the Southern Belle. We got all dressed up, Ryan's parents lovingly came to watch the wee one, and we had a grand time! I have never been on a dinner cruise before... It was quite an experience:

It was a lovely time. The boat was pretty, the views were spectacular, the food was amazing, and the company was entertaining. It was a generally fantastic evening--- deserving of many positive adjectives... and containing just the right amount of cheese.

Happy Valentine's Day, Ryan Lee!
Thank you for a lovely day of love.

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Monthly Photostream

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
The Wonder Years

To appease the masses (aka my mother) we have decided to start releasing a monthly photostream at the end of every month including all the snapshots of Liam we have taken in the preceding weeks.

I hope this will turn into a neat way of updating our family and friends on both Liam's progress and the goings-on of our family each month.

I threw together one for January. It is pretty rough and only includes 17 pictures but.. it gets the job done.

Check it out.

Following slideshows will hopefully be much more sophisticated.. and will certainly include more photographs, but you have to start somewhere!

[And to answer your question: Hell, YES-- we will be whipping out that last picture when Liam heads to prom. I mean, what kind of parents would we be?!]

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Allow Me to Introduce You....

..to the newest member of our family.

The Nikon D3000.

Ryan and I have always had a mild interest in photography. Many a date has been spend with one of our eyes behind a lens, eager to capture the magic of the moment. And I absolutely love to return to those photographs and remember. However, we have never invested in a really good camera. We've talked about it often.. but generally could capture what we wished with Ryan's Kodak and could not really justify spending a large sum of money on another technological gadget.

Leave it to our little gremlin to spur us into action.

His adorable face must be documented.

We have so far greatly enjoyed our investment. It feels like it has already paid for itself tenfold in beautiful moments forever frozen and we have only owned it for a couple of weeks. We are both still learning its entire potential (and ours)- we still have a long way to go. I would love to take a class someday.

Focus.

Self-portrait

Milk Drunk

As we gain more photography skills, I think it will be quite interesting to return to these early posts and see where we have come from. I hope that we will have learned a lot- that our photographs of Liam will evolve as he does.

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Confession

I have a confession to make.

It is a shameful thing I am going to say... but it must be said:
Ladies and gentlemen... I, Michelle A. Haddock... am not... a coupon-er.

I tried! I really, truly did try! On Sunday afternoon, I sat down in front of the computer with the ridiculous number of coupons I have clipped in the last couple of weeks and went to southersavers.com. I was so excited! We were going to save money- lots and lots of money! I could envision the shopping trips in my mind: going up to the cashier with my neat pile of coupons, watching the dollars fly off the final tab, skipping out the door. I was never going to pay full-price for something I needed again. [There were going to be unicorns and butterflies. It was really spectacular!]

Only... that isn't what happened at all. Not one little bit. Instead I found myself pulling my hair out, biting my fingernails and begging the heavens, "WHY!?! OH, WHY?!" as I stared at a screen and watched the lists morph into foreign symbols my exhausted brain could not understand, while a little troll sat next to me and laughed an evil laugh. Okay.. maybe there was no troll- but I was picturing a troll. Which should tell you just exactly how much of a crazy person couponing turned me into.

After spending literally an hour to track down the right Colgate coupon to go with the right sale at the right supermarket... so that I could get it for a dollar, it suddenly dawned on me- I have ALWAYS gotten toothpaste for a dollar.. because I get it AT THE DOLLAR STORE. And sure, I could get some mustard for free and maybe a blood glucose monitor.. but I have mustard and I have a blood glucose monitor and free clutter is STILL clutter. I do not have a pantry. I do not have a deep freezer. In fact, we are really very limited in cabinet space too.. so buying six boxes of cereal just because I can get it for 33 cents a box just does not work for our family.

Sigh.

On top of this.. I like organic/local far too much to rely on the cheapest prices; just because something is free does not mean I want my family to put it in their mouths. And also, I LIKE TO COOK! I do not want to base my entire week's menu on the fact that I got four packs of chicken thighs for $1.99 a lb. and have to use them this week. I want to be creative- I want to see a recipe I like and get the ingredients and try it out and be happy. And also, time and sanity are both as precious as money goes as far as resources are concerned- both of which I completely lost the minute I sat down to try this couponing thing out.

AND ALSO! I took what little I did get done to the grocery store and spend $31.00 on about half of our week's grocery list. I saved around $10.00 using coupons, which seems cool; HOWEVER, I usually go to Aldi and get way more than half my list (excluding our local/organic purchases) for about $40.00.. so in the end I am probably not going to be saving a penny. Aldi rocks.

Conclusion: Coupons blow. Epic fail.

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Little Boy Loved

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy.
John Lennon

Liam may hold the title of "Most Smooched."

Like father, like son. [It can be slightly unnerving.]

He is my heart.

"It goes by so fast."
The one thing all parents urge you to remember as you start the journey down the well-worn path of parenthood. As Liam's 14th week on this planet comes to a close.. it is easy to see why. Every moment with a wee one is a moment you can never get back.


Here is to never taking it for granted.

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Hold Me Close

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.
Hippocrates

For the first 65 days of his life, Liam was touched on a schedule. This breaks my heart into a million pieces every time I think about it... so I try not to think about it too often. I know that it was "for his own good." I know that they say his underdeveloped nervous system could not handle too much stimulation, and, as the nurses reminded us constantly, I know that he would not have been touched at all had he still be in the womb. However, something must be said for the difference between being cradled in the warm waters of the womb verses rolled up blankets in a boxy isolette, further punctuated by the frequent cold, clinical touch of the medical staff, poking and prodding and stabbing him with needles.

...like I said... a million pieces.

This is where my absolute-most-favorite-baby-product-ever-in-the-entire-world-hands-down comes in.

Mine is called The Ultimate Baby Wrap by Parents of Invention. I got it on sale for about 25 dollars (including shipping) from BabiesRUs. And it is pretty much the most amazing 25 dollars I have ever spent. I wish I had been crafty enough to make my own, but alas... not yet- soon though... very soon!


Because of Liam's little windpipe.. we have to watch that his chin does not rest on his chest; it could very well cut off his ability to breathe and so.. a sling would not be a very good idea. In fact, I did not think I would be able to use even this wrap until Liam got to be a bit bigger but I found this video which gave instructions on a hold that is great for preemies because they are lying almost vertically and it supports their head. Liam has been spending copious amounts of time in his wrap ever since.


It calms him down almost instantaneously.. and as I walk around he often settles into a bizarre position that I can only assume he found comfortable in utero. If I do not want curious eyes (and the filthy hands that come with them) peering in at him, I simply pull the fabric together and he is protected. He is close to my heart, a place he did not get to be for long enough.. and we get some serious snuggling in.

My time to have him all to myself was cut too short and it will not be long before Liam is wiggling out of my arms, eager to explore the world.. so I am soaking this in. Enjoying every moment he spends in my arms. I think I can officially be labeled a baby-wearing mama.

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