I Shall Return

I know. I know. I am a bad, bad blogger- my posts have been terribly inconsistent lately. But it is all for an AWFULLY good cause:

I GRADUATED...
or... I will be graduating- tomorrow morning at 10:00 a.m.
I made it!

This year I have gleaned the titles of:
Wife
Homeowner
Mama
and now.. COLLEGE GRADUATE!

Seriously, it's time for a break.
No. Seriously.

I will back with your regularly scheduled blog posts in the next couple of days. Liam is doing well- He has been breast-feeding quite enthusiastically the last couple of days. He is about 3 lbs, 8 oz.... and his PICC line has been removed which makes holding him much less intimidating. Nana and Pops held him for the first time last night (pictures soon) and Grams and Gramps will get their turn tonight. He is getting to be such a big boy! I cannot believe I will not be seeing him today or most of tomorrow. It is hurting my heart, but Ryan believes that I will regret it if I do not participate in the ceremony tomorrow... and he is probably right. I had to come down to Georgia to tie up some last loose ends and I miss him so much.

But, maybe one day Liam will be proud of his college-educated Mama.

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A Brief Note Concerning My Absence

Achilles absent, was Achilles still.
Homer

I have not been posting as frequently as usual because my brain is otherwise occupied. In two days, after five and a half years of struggles and heartache and the painful, yet satisfying, stretching of the mind.... I will be done with school.

For. Ev. Er.

Now, I am not entirely sure that I will graduate. I wish that I was.. but, I'm just not. I have tried my best under the circumstances... but it has been a strange few weeks and I know that my work has not been brilliant. All I can hope for is mercy and a good dose of luck. However, whatever happens... I will be done after tomorrow. Done. I was not sure if I would ever be done.

If I do not graduate.. I am sure I will return to finish later- some day when our family is complete and I am feeling restless. [So, in that case you can disregard my massive "For.Ev.Er" above. ] But FOR. NOW. .... it is time for this phase in my life to be over.

At the moment, I have three assignments to be turned in. Three assignments away from the end: two are almost completed and one.... well.... one is going to take a good deal of determination and brain power to finish in time. I have to have everything finished before I close my eyes to sleep tomorrow night. Wish me luck!


And, here is a good dose of cuteness for you until I return on Thursday:

What is this THING doing taped to my face again! I do not like it one little bit.

Hmmm... I need a cunning plan to facilitate its removal.
I GOT IT!

Step 1: Lay still... and look very, very, very, cute.

Step 2: Wait until they least expect it and then.....grab repeatedly at my face until I get a finger hooked underneath and YANK!
[Okay- so it isn't quite brilliant; I'm a baby... give me a break!]

Gah! Thwarted by Papa. He is making eyebrows at me... I will make them back.

Well.. that is just fine. I will continue with step one... because...you can't hold me forever, you know. Soon, I will be back in my box... and then......

Victory SHALL BE MINE!

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grati-tuesday

Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.
G.B. Stern

So.. I just have to take a moment to say that my little rock star [who I held yesterday- don't know if I mentioned that at all. It was just this little thing that happened. No biggie.] is 4 weeks old today... and that is amazing to me. On Friday, we will be able to say we are the proud parents of a 1 month old- which is strange because in my head I still label him in gestational weeks [of which he is 33 as of last Saturday].

For the most part, Liam is doing quite well. We have not heard another peep from the yeast infection so the antibiotics are doing their job. He is on room air and his cannula is down to 2 liters which he is tolerating pretty fantastically. He is getting most of his nutrition directly from breast milk now- they cut way back on his fluids and he is not receiving any fats or proteins at all through his IV anymore. His blood sugar has been running a bit low since the switch and he lost 2 oz... but we have been assured he will work it all out. When we call to check on him we mostly just hear about his "behavioral issues" now- he is constantly pulling out his cannula because he can no longer get to his feeding tube; they ran it down his nose because he was forever pulling it out of his mouth.. and his vent is taped quite firmly to his face. So, he yanks on the cannula.. and somehow manages to tie his monitor wires in knots.. and, at one point, propelled himself off his bed and into the crevice between the wall of his isolette and his bed's platform. He is even able to get his head up when he is laying on his belly... which he has no business doing this early.

Man.. I am in trouble.

Ah, well... I will enjoy my little troublemaker. On to my gratitude for the day: today... I am taking a moment to be grateful for... education.

After Liam was born I was pretty sure I would not be graduating in December as planned.. but my professors surprised me by allowing me to do everything from home. Today is a good day to remember how grateful I should be for that opportunity.. or really, just the opportunity to get an education at all because today.. I have to right a 15 page paper and I am not feeling particularly grateful about it.

Going to college has never been easy- academically, it was not a real problem, but financially was another story- and I even had a scholarship! It was always stressful attempting to juggle work (sometimes two jobs- one time 3!) and school. There were many times when I started to wonder how worth it that little piece of paper really was. When I decided to switch my major and tack on an extra few semesters, I often thought about giving up.. and when I got pregnant with Liam... it really called the entire thing into question because the desire of my heart is to stay at home and take care of my family (you can read about that here) and no one was going to ask to see my diploma before hiring me for that job. However, I really am grateful that I was able to go to college... that I have somehow found a second [and third and fourth and fifth... and many more] wind when I felt like giving up.. and that, in spite of recent life events, I have been given the opportunity to cross the finish line.

There is still a light at the end of the tunnel. There is just a 15 page paper, a portfolio, about 73 Latin poem and story translations, a test, another test, and another test... standing in the way. Today, I am grateful for the opportunity.. and I am praying that in a few weeks.. I will be grateful that I am a college graduate!

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Update

So... I just thought I would let you all know: I flunked my midterm- I flunked it hard. I do not think I have failed at anything as horribly as I failed at that test.

But you know what? I am feeling okay with that.

The minute it hit my desk I realized I had spent all my time focusing on the completely the wrong things and my worst fear- having absolutely no idea what I was doing- was about to come true. And so... I just filled in the very (very, very) few answers I knew, walked up to the teacher and said in my little mouse voice of shame, "Hi. Um.... so... I completely bombed this." And after looking at my pathetic attempt and asking where the second page was (there was no second page because I did not even get that far) he looked at me with compassion and said, "Okay. Take this home and work it out with your notes for some extra credit."

It was honestly, really, very, very embarrassing to hand him that paper- I don't fail tests. I get A's.... with a few B's scattered about just to balance me out a little bit. I am not necessarily used to working very hard for good grades but I am still used to getting them. I listen, take notes, do the homework and the learning just... sort of... happens. School has always been relatively easy for me. I am used to being in control of my grades and my time and my life and this entire situation is hard for me. Maybe I should see it as a learning experience.

I briefly considered just walking out the door and not looking back... but I didn't. I faced it- owned up to my failure and humiliation- and guess what? I am still breathing. And my teacher seems to be willing to work with me.

Maybe, just maybe, I will make it after all.

Oh.. and I do not think that I failed my other Latin midterm quite as hard- I am not sure how I did on the discussion question but I aced the translation and I am grateful for that.

It is over now. Regardless of the outcome... it is over. That is a relief.
Latin midterms: check.

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Days Like This

Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug.
Mark Knopfler

The last couple of days have been nothing short of miserable.
On Tuesday, I came millimeters away from dropping out of school and, in fact, have yet to make a decision about whether or not I will stick with it. However, after 5+ years toward a degree, dropping out 2 months before the end seems absolutely crazy...

I have two midterms in Latin today. Because of all the craziness surrounding the move I got very behind in my Latin studies. Though I have been working hard ever since that time, language is so cumulative- you can't really make up for time lost. Failing a midterm is basically sealing your fate. I learned this my sophomore year after misreading the time of a final and showing up 30 second AFTER it was over. My professor turned a deaf ears to my pleas for mercy and, although I had a B in the course up until that point, that one F caused me to flunk the entire class. It is the only F I have ever gotten in my entire life on anything besides a 6th grade math test. And it sucked.

I can't remember a time any longer when my life was not hectic. It has been at least a year and a half. Things have settled down for a brief period.. but they are really only going to get worse from here. We start our Prepared Childbirth Classes next month and we have less than three to get ready for Liam. His nursery is a complete mess and we have very little of anything we actually need for him. The house is also still not in working order; things - BIG THINGS- have to be done before the baby gets here because, otherwise, they just will not get done at all. Or they will be done poorly. I have a 20 page senior seminar paper that will be due near the end of the semester in which I basically have to prove I am ready to graduate and which I cannot settle on a topic for. I also have to create an online portfolio of my entire college career- a nearly impossible task considering the scattering of my education. I will also have 3 finals- plus any normal assignment that comes up. On top of this the commute alone takes 8 hours (and two entire days when I stay with my parents) out of my week.

The problem is.. this is not an "if at first you don't succeed" situation. I pretty much have one shot to get it right or my academic transcripts are marred forever. If I were to withdraw and return later- I would have a much better chance of succeeding and I would not have to worry about making up for failing grades. But I just can't bring myself to give up either.

On top of this, the stress is considerably overwhelming. I have been in similar situations before and, besides a fair amount of whining, I handled it with no problem. I have worked full-time while going to school full-time and trying to plan a wedding. I have been making the trek back and forth between Kennesaw and Chattanooga for two years. But being pregnant makes everything more difficult. Waking up, getting out of bed, focusing on school, just moving my large body from place to place is a challenge... even the drive is uncomfortable.

I got about 4 hours of sleep Tuesday night; between worrying about what to do and this strange pain that has made its way into my abdominal muscles, I was tossing and turning. I spent the ENTIRE DAY cramming for these tests and I figured last night, I would pass out with no problem. I was nodding off against the cart at Wal-mart, waiting for Ryan to pick out the type of hot dogs he wanted (although to my credit, it took the man 7 full minutes to decide- I mean.. seriously?!). But that was not to be- after crawling into bed at 11 p.m., I woke up clutching my stomach in pain. I am guessing that my abdominal muscles are seperating... it is the only thing that makes sense. I went to look at the clock, praying that it would be almost time for me to get up anyway because I knew I was not getting back to sleep and when I saw that is was only 1 a.m.- I pretty much broke down. Then I found myself boiling water in an attempt to get a bath warm enough to tolerate (our water pressure at the house is horrible and lukewarm at best). When that did not help, I tried a warm washcloth and finally at 2:30 a.m. made my way to the drugstore for some Tylenol and heatwraps. They seemed to work somewhat and I finally nodded off around 4 a.m.- waking two or threee more times to pee before the alarm clock started blaring at 7 a.m.

When I get to work this morning- I find out that my boss had told me the days of their vacation wrong and I could have had the day off (which would have been wonderful because I really need more time to study for my tests) but "since I was here anyway"... I get to hang out with all four kids while they run errands and stuff, which would be nice except it hurts to move and I am exhausted and I really, really, really need to study.

I am feeling very squished at the moment- definitely the bug running headfirst into the windshield. I am not entirely sure how to handle it all. Ryan is worried about the baby- he has been the one encouraging me to stay in school (along with my parents) and all of the sudden he is whistling a different tune after looking up what stress can do during development. Considering Liam is already small, I have to admit I am a little concerned as well.

My mother went crazy for a minute Tuesday night and told me she thought I should quit too.. but then sent me a text the next morning begging me not to.

It is a lot to figure out and I do not have a lot of time to do it in.
And... I am being beckoned to go play monkey in the middle.

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Facio What?!

This is what I am doing:


And this is how I feel about it:



The end.

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I Struggle with Forward Motion

Life is like a bicycle. To keep your balance you have to keep moving.
- Albert Einstein

Today is the first day of my last semester of college.
What a trip.

My college experience has been less than average and I can't say that I will particularly miss it. I started out at a local university which the kids at my snobby, private prep school un-affectionately referred to as "13th grade." Although my grades had been good enough to go pretty much anywhere my little heart desired, my parents' hysterical laughter at my inquiry concerning funds left my choices limited. There was also this boy...

I took night classes and worked two jobs during the day. After about two semesters, I was feeling burned out... and old.. and tired of that boy. When the family I was working for decided to move to Chattanooga and asked if I would like to come along- I pounced.

I attended a local school for two semester and loved it. It was old and prestigious and had the college atmosphere I had always wished for. I started taking day classes and wearing sweaters- doing homework in coffee shops and eating in the cafeteria.... and felt like a real student. But paying out-of-state tuition began to take a toll. I had been receiving a scholarship at my previous school and the money was still sitting there... After watching my account go red for the 28th time that year, I knew what I had to do. But my life is Chattanooga was something I was not willing to give up- so I started commuting.

Then I did the unthinkable- I changed my major six months before graduating.

Apparently, I have been declaring that I was going to be a teacher since I was three years old. I don't actually ever remember this declaration but after hearing it for years... and years... and years... and years... declaring my major as ECE seemed like a no brainer. Well, at least until I started TOSS and realized that if I had to spend my life in a classroom I would probably end up slitting my wrists or punching a child or watching soap operas or.. something equally horrifying.

So I switched to English and suddenly my life was complete. Professors started handing me books and telling me I HAD to read them... and I HAD to give my opinion on them and how could I have possibly spent a minute of my college education doing anything but this?!

I am now 9 credit hours away from graduation. In December I will waddle across the stage and get my diploma. It seems surreal and if Liam were not joining us only a couple of weeks after (for some reason the saying, "There is no rest for the wicked" keeps coming to mind.) I am not entirely sure I would know what to do with myself.

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